From their perch in stately Sharkatraz atop the tallest apartment building in Astoria, Max Robinson and Mike Pfeiffer are The Trash Boys. In a recurring feature called The Trashford Files, they investigate and review foods that are normally best eaten alone drunk in the dark after a breakup.
The Gastronomic Artifact
What are we putting in our talk holes?
Mike: It bears a startling resemblance to the Luther Burger, a mythical hamburger with glazed donuts for buns which was pioneered by soul superstar Luther Vandross. While it’s been replicated on a boutique basis for new-age culinary feelgooderies, this is the most ambitious and breakfasty release I’ve seen. Plus no place near us had a Cronut, and we didn’t have fifty dollars to buy a Cronut.
Max: Pshh I would rather die than eat a cruddy Cronut.
How it look?
Max: The innards look eerily pristine since they’re processed Breakfast Product. The donut looks kinda like it’d be The Hound if you were casting an all-donut Game Of Thrones fan-production/Buzzfeed listicle.
Mike: Agreed. I nominate the Key Lime donuts we sampled for “Danaerys.” I shudder to think of the genetically engineered government surplus chickens that lay already patty-shaped eggs. All… smokin’ cigarettes and croaking “It’s a living.”
Max: I found it strange that, while the innards were nice and warm, the donut was weirdly cool to the touch. There may be supernatural properties to this sandwich.
Does it satisfy?
Max: Surprisingly tasty! The sweetness of the donut adds alittle something to the ….”savory” qualities of the usual Dunkin bacon-egg-cheese deal. It shouldn’t work, but….here we are.
Mike: It hits you in waves, like a Wonka product. “Whoa, a donut! Whoa, eggs! Whoa, Bacon!” Saying that out loud, it’s also sounding a lot like a stroke.
Max: Eat enough of these, sure.
Mike: Personally I got kind of dizzy between bites and almost didn’t finish, despite the fact that my body is a Mr. Fusion that turns garbage into riboflavin. I think we both agree that it’s an ideal meal for the morning after scouring your innards with cheap whiskey.
Max: Absolutely. Dunkin Donuts caters to a clientele that mostly consists of career alcoholics/drug addicts and down-on-their-luck obese vampires so it makes sense that they’d come up with a food item that appeals to both demographics.
How easy is it to put in your talk hole?
Mike: Like a bunch of weirdo foods that Max and I have previously spent way too much brainpower on (The Double Down, the Doritos Loco Taco), this incredible CONCEPT for a food is way harder to hold than it looks. Like it was designed to make you look bad.
Max: You get molten glaze all over your hands as soon as you touch the thing. It’s like model glue.
Mike: It was rushed into production by Dunkin Donuts scientists who stood on the shoulders of giants and didn’t consider that when you put glaze in a bag with hot egg and bacon it melts. This thing needs a sleeve to eat it out of. Or would that make the whole thing worse? They’d probably just put the new Dreamworks characters on the cardboard and then I’d have a sandwich wrapped in the smiling visage of an adventurous ceiling fan voiced by Channing Tatum.
Max: On Congressional order, the sleeve would feature photos of other, healthier things you could be eating (A shiny apple, a garden salad, some chopped up onions, shredded…oats, a lightly seasoned chicken breast) and a passive-aggressive quote from your mom.
Mike: The practical solution from other molecular gastronomists is just to turn it around so the “Dry” side of the donut is nice and toasty on the outside and the glaze is touching the innards, which makes a lot of sense. But then where would we stick the ad for “Ceiling the Deal,” coming this Christmas?
Would I eat this in front of a date or in a job interview?
Max: Not excessively shameful but the messiness and concept alone mean that you don’t want to be seen with one of these outside a Dunkin Donuts. Maybe an airport at 3am between connecting flights.
Mike: No, I think that if I walked down the street wearing one of these the universe would teach me some sort of lesson. Like how moms think that if you leave the house wearing dirty underwear then THAT’S the day that your pants get lit on fire and have to be cut off in front of a team of ballet dancers. Like, I’d have just finished sucking glaze off my fingers and then I’d have to shake Cornel West’s hand and he’d feel hell of disrespected that I gave him the slickpalm.
The Bechdel Test
Were there at least two named women who talked to each other about something other than a man?
Max: There WERE two women behind the counter who took our order, but they only talked to us in some sort of “Who’s On First” sketch about how many coffees I wanted to order. We did not learn their names.
Mike: They had nametags but I’m pretty much blind due to something that rhymes with “Hiya Teeties” and Max has been wearing sunglasses during the day since he hung out at the hookah bar with those Romanian guys, so we missed them.
Max: SHOUT OUT TO ALOYSHA AND MEDVED WOAAAAAAAAH.
Is it worth feeding your self loathing to purchase?
Max: Overall, I’d say yes. It’s sort of tame by “fast food franchise stunt sandwich” standards but it accomplishes what it sets out to do: Make a breakfast sandwich out of a donut. I’d love to see some additional development on the concept. Why not a Boston Creme-style donut but filled with gravy? This is only the beginning.
Mike: Why not bake the egg INTO the inside of a donut? I know they can do it, they invented the Coolatta and that’s a bunch of milk byproducts and ice that was originally put into a hose to quell riots. Overall I give it four rats out of a possible five rats.
Max: I second that emotion.
The Glazed Donut Breakfast Sandwich, a permanent menu item, is available today at Dunkin Donuts nationwide.