From their perch in stately Sharkatraz atop the tallest apartment building in Astoria, Max Robinson and Mike Pfeiffer are The Trash Boys. In a recurring feature called The Trashford Files, they investigate and ingest (Ingestigate©) the delicious detritus of a society in a late-capitalist death spiral.
The Gastronomic ArtifactWhat are we putting in our talk holes?
Max: Georgi’s Waffle Flavored Vodka. Waffle vodka for your waffle friends.
Mike: Georgi’s has a big line of flavored vodkas, we chose “Waffle” because we thought it would fit in with the great alcoholic’s tradition of “breakfast for dinner.”
Max: I don’t know if this is a new product or what. Part of me suspects that Georgi’s Waffle Flavored Vodka has always existed. It is an evil that our collective Id could not hope to contain.
Mike: The fact that this makes two Trashford Files in a row concerning things Clive Barker would have for breakfast strengthens the link between “Morning Foods” and “Products of a Hellbound Heart.”
The TrialsTo properly experience the Waffle Flavored Vodka (Or WafFlaVod), we decided to imbibe the vodka three different ways. To further enhance the experience, we decided to pair the drink with Jon Chu’s 2011 concert-mentary, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.
Experiment “Rocksalt”: The Shot (11:16pm to 11:17pm)
Max: Shot tasted. Smells like turpentine. The taste is…alright? Very sweet, but goes down smoother than a standard crappy vodka.
Mike: As you can see, we chased our shots with savory meats. I think Georgi would have liked it that way, frankly. The aftertaste of a double quarter pounder with cheese along with the syrupy sweetness of the waffle vodka (Wodka) had a calming effect, smelling like I had just vaporized and inhaled a pretzel in one of the pleasure dens in the depths of Jabba’s Pleasure Skiff.
Max: The halal truck down the block makes really good gyros and this made my gyro taste off for the first few bites. NOT OFF TO A GOOD START, WAFF-VOD.
Mike: That said, Max and I went to college together and have a lot of experience with the sort of plastic-bottled vodkas that are more commonly used to disintegrate rats in the plumbing of prewar buildings, and this waffle flavored vodka actually went down with minimal hacking and face-making.
Experiment “Sailor’s Death”: The On The Rocks Test (11:20pm to ???)
Mike: Max and I filled pint glasses with a handful of ice and a stomachful of wafka. I took mine with a straw so I could stare down the demon in Bieber’s eyes as I conquered the demon in the glass. Already we have learned that Justin was at one point a child – fascinating! But still no footage of his larval stage or information on where they keep his discarded cocoon. Surely some tike would like that under the tree for Christmas!!
Max: Unlike Mike, I decided to forgo a straw so I could face the horror of what I have decided to put in my body. We’re at the early point in The Bieb’s life where he’s a little kid shovelin’ snow. I can’t wait until the old banker comes to adopt him away from his sled.
Mike: I’m taking a lot of this wafvodflavka right to the face with each sip and I am more in love with it every time. Surely there is some sort of scrambled egg-bourbon that we can leverage from here, right?
Max: Bieber learned how to play the drums in a boiler room at his grampmoms and grampeps. I feel like I’m drinking sugar-paint?
Mike: Maybe it’s just the flodwaf talkin, but this is taking me back in time to when I was really into The Spice Girls and I watched Spice World a bunch of times with my neighbor and we talked about which of the Spice Girls we wanted to marry.
Max: BREAKING: Bieber got a segway. Bieber got wheels.
Mike: Yo, gratuitious segway riding is like… the Zorro Mark of indulgent autiobiowafvoddocs.
Max: Biebs got a roadie named Scrappy. Biebs got that MO-JO-EYE-BAAAAALL. (I’m starting to feel this). In the time it took me to type this Bieber was forcibly removed from a forklift.
Mike: Everyone is being really nice to each other while quietly straining at the neck not to break little Singing Joffrey in half. He just… thinks he’s allowed to do whatever he wants. I’m gesturing with my glass shouting to Max like Deadshirt.net editor Dylan Roth’s least favorite Weekend Update character, Drunk Uncle. This is an efficient beverage and I recommend it to those who have to sneak a lot of something into a movie theater.
Max: “Everyone is mine to sing at.” SPEAKING OF SHOUTOUT TO BIEBER ROAD MANAGER AND NON-IRONIC JEAN-RALPHIO, THIS GUY:
Mike: Max is Googling “Justin Bieber Road Manager” and bullying some second-degree-friend on Facebook about his poor opinion of “PREDATORS,” so I recommend this liquor as well to those who lack an incriminating search history or a belligerent demeanor but would like to find those qualities in a liquid approximation of breakfast.
Max: FUCK HIM. Bieber just got yelled at to clean his room. He is literally a millionaire. Bieber’s friends all look like distorted versions of Bieber.
Mike: That’s the canadian affliction, man. Take a look at Bill Shatner or Mike Myers at age 17 and you’d see shades of Bieber. That’s just the most efficient hair-and-face shape to deflect the year-round snows of Saskatoon.
Max: He just went up to a girl playing violin on the street and went “Hey girl I’m Justin Bieber. *boom* *boom* here’s some loonies for ya girl.”
(12:12 AM: Here we poured ourselves another pint glass of Georgi because we love you guys so much)
Max: “He sung…really well” – a guy in cool sunglasses in this movie. I cannot get used to the horrible sweetness of this wawful vokka.
Mike: The vodka is… almost medicinal. The sweetness and sense of well being that it has washed over me is pretty strong, I think if someone tried to start a fight with me in a club right now I’d just like… hand him a flower and then turn to dust and disappear.
Max: The Bieber cult of personality just reminds me of Thulsa Doom’s snake cult….“COME TO ME, CHILD.” Bieber understands the Riddle Of Flesh.
Mike: Bieber was pretty much passed back and forth between a bunch of cool black dudes to teach him to be cool- it’s like if Chuck Berry had trained Elvis. It’s pretty symbolic that during every dance number in concert, he’s backed up by a team of cool black dudes dancing and singing. Like… at all times he’s this mask to make R&B and “Black” music more palatable to teenage white girls with all their (parents’) disposable income.
Max: “I think at that point no one realized how powerful social networking was…or is.” People (children) paid 3D movie ticket prices to watch this thing.
Mike: yeah, there’s this sequence where they were like “FUCK WE’RE FILMING THIS IN 3D WE FORGOT” and just throw stuff at the camera while “At Last” plays. I’m drunk enough that you could start the 2004 Dawn of the Dead right now and I’d get confused, there’s just a bunch of troubling grainy riot footage of crying girls in a shopping mall playing.
Max: There’s no need to bring legitimately good music into this mess. Also NONSENSE SNOOP DOGG SIGHTING. Now “Hall Of The Mountain King” is playing WHEN DO THE WINKLEVOSS TWINS SHOW UP YOU BETTER LAWYER UP BIEB-O.
Mike: I’m prepared to admit that the movie-alcohol pairing was ill-advised, this sequence with Bieber and Usher doing a stylized Six Flags Batman Stunt Spectacular is giving me spingut. I’m typing but it’s really like my hands are trying to escape from the exploding krypton that is my body and they just happen to hit a keyboard on their way out.
Max: WHAT—IS—–REALITY? Bieber’s signature color is purple. I can’t tell if this is in homage to Prince or if he’s indicating membership in the 3rd Street Saints.
Mike: There’s a lot of teenage girls in this movie, I think there are… court orders against me watching this. There’s also a troubling part of the stage show where Bieber’s mom goes into the audience and selects a tribute to the child-king for the singing of “One Less Lonely Girl.” They do not show her being turned into a slurry for his golden trough.
Max: Jaden Smith is in this thing and is credited as “Karate Expert”.
Mike: Bieber is real… SWAG is a choice
Max: We haven’t even gotten to our next drink category ugh. Bieber is in some sort of metal frame heart now WILL THEY SACRIFICE HIM FOR HARVEST?
Mike: If there were still X-Files episodes being made they would find our bodies turned to maple syrup-smelling skeletons and Mulder would go on about the occult symbolism of this helmet haired music larva and his steel heart suspension.
Max: We have now entered “The Michael Portion” (Miley Cyrus is singing).
Mike: If I blew into a breathalyzing device right now it would print out a picture of Amanda Bynes driving a ride-on mower through a McDonald’s ball pit. We can joke about Georgi’s aspirations to make a vodka for the “before 9AM” crowd but we cannot joke about the results.
Max: We’re 3 days out from Madison Square Garden in the movie. I think we all are, in our horrible hearts.
Mike: Yes, in that I feel like I’m going to wake up in front of Madison Square Garden three days from now still smelling like Belgium’s only global cultural export.
Mike: We have one more test to go, though at this point I feel that we are the ones being tested. Dylan please insert a gif of a president or scientist dramatically taking off his glasses. [No. -DR]
EXPERIMENT WOLVERINE: Waf-Vod with Coke and a little pancake syrup. (Time is immaterial in the hell we have created)
Max: We are but pilgrims on a highway to the danger zone. The syrup adds a playful kick to this “cocktail”.
Mike: We have not concealed or changed a single thing to make ourselves look better. Those are our heroes on those pint glasses and they have watched us shame ourselves. Jaden Smith is on stage with Justin Bieber and Max and I are arguing about who would marry who. If I believed in guardian angels I would provide mine with a blindfold and a gun right now.
Max: I feel like I know everything about Justin Bieber’s whole life. I feel like I have walked a kilometer in his boots. The Coke and waf-vod is fine. It tastes fine.
Mike: We learned that in Canada they call sneakers “off-hockey slippers.” What a world! The maple syrup has brought me closer to the soft-lipped face of god that calls us all “Baby Baby Baby.”
Max: wh a wurl
Max: WHY ISN’T THIS MOVIE OVER BABY BABY BABY NOOOOOOOO
Mike: Sorry dude, LUDACRIS is in this song so it is automatically the high point of the movie. It’s a dark time for the Rebellion when Luda is a mark of quality, but between this and the Fast and the Furious movies I think it’s a fact.
Max: MINUS POINTS FOR NOT INTRODUCING THE NOZ AND/OR SPECIAL AGENT HOBBS (THE ROCK).
(10:34 AM the next morning: The pigeons outside Sharkatraz are cooing. It’s morning in America.)
Max: I have no memory of how that movie ended. Did Bieber kali-ma that One Less Lonely Girl after she was brought on stage? I am mildly hungover.
Mike: I feel clean inside. Like I ate one of those long magician scarves and then pulled it out my wow hole at blinding speed. Gastrointestinal floss.
Shame FactorWould I eat this in front of a date or in a job interview?
Mike: I don’t think James Bond has ever imbibed a Flavored Vodka, so I think that I would not traditionally suggest this as a vodka to be consumed in front of other people. Unlike other venerated vodka flavors like Sweet Tea or Whipped Cream, Waffles do not have any particular cachet with sorority girls, so I think the quiet understanding between you and Georgi is that this is an alcohol you drink instead of breakfast when you are alone or spiritually alone.
Max: I don’t know who the target demo for this vodka is. Satan? Anyway, decent addition to like a…IHOP themed cocktail party?
Final RatingIs it worth feeding your self loathing to purchase?
Max: DO NOT. SEEK. THE TREASURE.
Mike: If you’ve got a bud and you two wanna get really trashboat by splitting a fifth of something you can pretty much drink straight then I suggest this Georgi Waffle Flavored vodka. I think the biggest problem is that Max and I are not pure of heart, so when exposed to the witherling light of Georgi’s Prize we were reduced to mewling Tiger Beatists.
Max: This vodka has made me like waffles less. Waffles mean alot to me, so I’m mad at this vodka. I give this selection one and 3/4th rats out of a possible four rats.
Mike: Agree to disagree, I thought it would take the Ludovico Treatment to get me through Never Say Never. Three out of four rats from me.