The events of the upcoming Saints Row IV will see the series’ lead character, The Boss, elected to the office of the President of the United States. We now present the testimonial of one citizen who cast his vote for this human wrecking ball.
On that cold November day, a little under half of the country called me crazy for voting for the leader of the 3rd Street Saints. “Why would you vote for the head of a publicly recognized criminal syndicate? A group that caused us daily mayhem of a catastrophic level right here in our beloved Steelport?” my uncle once asked. I must admit, it did get me thinking. Why would I vote for the man who landed on the roof of my car while diving naked from a crashing helicopter that destroyed my favorite sports bar? That’s a question that led me to do some soul searching.
Now, call me old fashioned, but I really respect a person that can start at the bottom and work his way to the top. It’s something that my father instilled in me as a boy by forcing me to work at his body shop every summer. Sure, I wasn’t doing much and he was probably breaking the law by making a thirteen-year-old work, but it shaped me into the man that I am today. Knowing that, it’s understandable that I admired what the Boss accomplished, even if his business ventures were a bit unsavory. He was just a normal guy, caught up in the violence of the streets and brought back into the fold by a small time gang, and in just a few months he was leading them. Talk about climbing the ladder!
Speaking of bootstraps, this is the guy that, soon after becoming the leader of the Saints, was caught up in an exploding yacht and woke up after a five year coma only to realize that he was stuck in a prison infirmary. Can you believe this country sometimes? Locking up a man who just exploded without even waking him up! But did that stop him? Of course not! Corrupt government be damned, the Boss worked his way right out of that prison (by strictly legal means I bet) and gathered up his old business partners for another go.
Even the multi-national Ultor Corporation and its private army couldn’t stop the Boss’ ambition. One “hostile takeover” later and the Saints were celebrities. Now I have to admit, their move to Steelport did cause some problems initially: exploding traffic, an increase in turf wars, that kind of thing. Really though, you could say the same thing about pretty much every city in the country, right?
It was all worth it with the income they brought in and the life they pumped back into our once great city of industry. We became the fashion, energy drink, and bobble head capital of the world overnight! Some people will tell you that the piles of dead tourists caught up in the Saints’ constant bloody shootouts and parties were bad for publicity, but I think any publicity is good publicity.
Ok, so maybe I’m a little biased; I tend to vote for celebrity candidates after all. I voted for Reagan in 80’ and 84’ as well as our beloved mayor Burt Reynolds, but I always make sure that policy comes before celebrity. You can’t blame me for voting for the guy that always cheered me up during those tough times following the recession. I’d come home everyday worried about whether or not I could pay the bills after the plant started cutting our hours, but I immediately forget about all my worries when I saw the Boss on Professor Genki’s show, running through that death maze and mercilessly gunning down humans in hotdog costumes. I’d laugh for hours and fall asleep with a smile on my face. You can’t tell me that those countless hours of joy aren’t worth my vote.
Plus, who cleaned up the streets when there were Tron cosplayers with swords and Luchadores in monster trucks running around and causing havoc? That’s what I thought. Sure the Saints can make a bit of a mess too, but it’s better than those types having the run of the place. Remember when that massive helicopter/aircraft carrier was bombing all of our homes and businesses into the ground? Again I ask: who had the balls to put a stop to it? Don’t get me wrong, I respect our boys in uniform, but when they’re destroying our livelihoods and also our lives in general, I think it’s safe to say that the government is overreaching its bounds. If not for the bravery of the Saints, Steelport would be a nuclear crater today, so really if you live here and voted for that other Bozo, you should be rethinking your choice, not mine.
Next time you ask me if I’m still happy with my vote, you better believe that I’m going to say yes, proudly and with a smile on my face, even if smiling is forbidden by Zin decree. I may miss my job as senior foreman at the Johnny Gat Memorial Shipyard, but without our Commander-in-Chief I would still be working my dead end job at the Johnny Gat Bobble Head Doll Foundry.
I get that Emperor Zinyak is a nightmarish monster with both extreme physical and mental powers; these are scary times that we live in, but I don’t think that they could have been avoided. I mean, the Zin would have invaded regardless of who was in charge. Yeah it’s a sticky situation, but if there’s one person who can still pull a big W out of this mess, it’s our President.
Now, I have no idea what happened to the big cheese after the White House was destroyed in the first moments of the Zin invasion, but it takes a lot more than that to kill my President! Even as I’m waiting to be pulled kicking and screaming into the night and tossed into the Execute-O-Plex for speaking out against that tyrant Zinyak, I know that everything is going to turn out just fine for this proud voter!
-Frank Carvello, Steelport