TrashMall: July 2014 Edition

Journeymen Deadshirters Mike Pfeiffer and Max Robinson are the Trash Boys. In TrashMall, they bring you the hottest products and apparel from thrift stores, vintage shops and other retail hotspots around New York’s five boroughs. For their inaugural column, the boys went to their friendly neighborhood Salvation Army. 

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Kony 2012 T-shirt

Quantity: 1

$1.00

Description

Joseph Kony is the most evil man in history. Commemorate this fact, and Invisible Children’s righteous quest to destroy him, with this sporty t-shirt, symbolically depicting Democrats and Republicans putting aside their differences and coming together to find Kony.

Review

Max: Hey, whatever happened to this guy? Did we ever get this Kony cat?

Mike: Not sure, but I’d really love to ruin your barbecue by wearing my child soldier t-shirt. Couldn’t find my Detailed Menses American Apparel V-neck so I popped on a Kony. What have YOU done today, dick?

Max: “You work for Amnesty International? Heh. That’s cute. Maybe you guys can AMNESTY at Kony when he’s brought before the Justice League for his crimes against humanity.”

Mike: I’m pissed at the Kony 2012 dude (filmmaker/activist Jason Russell) for being a weird shithead who immediately got a Jesus complex and cranked off onto passersbys when people agreed with him that child soldiers are bad, but also because I had 3000 “Invisible Children” t-shirts printed up, and now my Chillwave band is going to have to find a new name. How about… “Beyond Famous”? God damn it.

Max: Joseph Kony is a very evil warlord, but at least he never chuffed his hogg in a Pasadena shopping center while screaming that he is the Highlander. [“Chuffed his hogg?” Where do you find all these exotic masturbation metaphors? Send link. -Dylan]

Mike: This also echoes the humiliation from when we fucked microwaved cantaloupes on the Jumbotron at a Jersey Devils game after raising over twenty million dollars to say that bullies can go take a hike.

Max: We all loved Jason “Jack” Russell when he collected one hundred billion General Mills Boxtops for Education, but we became less enamored with him once he cut off his own dick and replaced it with a replica (WORKING) Terminator endoskeleton arm.

Mike: I hope all figureheads for causes eventually get caught in hypocritical public tugjob quagmires. I want to see Jenny McCarthy dramatically kick a hole in an above-ground pool full of measles vaccine and then put a Sybian on top of a popemobile on the Sunset Strip.

Max: Mike you’re getting too horny please stop before you go “full Kony” and you suicide by cop. Anyway, I can’t wait to tell my grandkids about how we got Kony when the elephant and Donkey kissed.

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Bad Boy Power Drink trucker hat (with bloodstain)

Quantity: 1

$2.00

Description

You’ll stand out as the Rudest Boy of your crime-doer club with this stylish black and white Bad Boy Power Drink trucker hat. Please note this product comes bloodstained, and decoration may vary from catalogue photo.

Review

Mike: I feel like the Bad Boy Power Drink FAQ is like “What makes this such a Bad Boy drink?” and the answer is a photo of shriveled up nards dangling off a dude putting his elbow through a cop car window. By the way, the blood stain is almost definitely from the wearer headbutting someone for liking soccer.

Max: That’s a good guess, but if I can play Rust Cohle to your Woody the Bartender: I think the wearer probably headbutted a mirror because “some handsome-ass piece of shit was giving me the side-eye.” Bros love and fear their own reflections, like dogs.

Mike: I fell down a rabbit hole investigating this. There is also a “Bad Girl power drink” and it ALSO has a fucked up sin-city face on it, and apparently is terrible.

Max: The cartoon face logo on the hat looks like Earth 3 Pac-Man or something. If Pac-Man had an evil counterpart that was virulently racist and did coke off the blade of a knife and had like forty DUIs.

Mike: Pac-Man wants these ghosts out of his town. Ain’t a ghost neighborhood fellas, move along. Stay in that center box where they want you.

Max: Mike you wore the hat, did you feel any different/stronger?

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Mike: When I put on the hat it looked like I was about to get into a Pokémon battle against my own alcoholism.

Max: Maybe it’s like The Mask but instead of a sexual predator who loves new jack swing you get turned into famous movie monster Vinnie Jones? “Oi. Wanker. Fuckin’ fight me. I’ll eat you, you goblin.”

Mike: In the custom Majora’s Mask Bad Boy Power Drink Street Brawl Hat DLC, Link puts this hat on and wakes up on dawn of the third day with his car in the impound lot because he drove it into the middle of a Victoria’s Secret to try and pick up women.

Max: A homely nerd finally finds the strength to give his boss what for when he puts on the Bad Boy Power Drink hat and heroically beats him to death in his office in front of like ten screaming coworkers before jumping out a window to his death.

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Art Linkletter Presents Kids Sing the Darndest Things vinyl record

Quantity: 1

$1.00

Description

You and your family will love this Reprise Records collection of children’s standards as performed by The High Hopes Children’s Chorus, including  “Hush Little Baby” and “Do-Re-Mi”!

Review

Max: Perhaps the most perplexing thing about this record is that the back of it is almost entirely in Japanese. 

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Mike: This is an entire album of existential dread. It’s even sung by the “High Hopes Children’s Chorus,” which is an incredible name for a cult and I’m bummed I didn’t think of it first.

Max: Every song on this album could be played in a scene in a horror movie in which a serial killer cuts off some guy’s nipple. You’re imagining Leatherface hanging someone from a meathook while “This Old Man” plays as I say this.

Mike: This a special FOR KIDS ONLY recording, and it makes me wonder if horror movies in the future are going to use Kidz Bop versions of modern pop songs, like in 2045 we’ll see a co-ed cleaved in half with a machete with a cherubic choir singing “Suit and Tie.”

Max: Freddy Krueger turns into a giant version of Pharrell’s hat and eats a wimpy teen as children belt out a high-pitched version of “Happy.”

Mike: “WHAT A… DESPICABLE MEAL-NION!!” *Krueger sharpens claws against burnt-out Trader Joe’s*

Max: This is like those bits in the V/H/S movies where someone ends up in an abandoned house and they play an unmarked tape, but instead of found footage vignettes you get some Three Little Pigs song where they call one of the pigs gay but they mean happy like in the way Pharrell means happy?

Mike: It’s bullshit that we’re not allowed to say that word but dead children can!!

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Andrew Dice Clay: I’m Over Here Now DVD

Quantity: 1

$2.99

Description

Roll the “Dice” and get ready to laugh when outrageous comedian Andrew Dice Clay brings his razor-sharp, tough talking brand of comedy to your living room!

Review

Max: The Diceman is the closest thing we have to a real-life version of DC Comics anti-hero Lobo. This hour long special opens with home video footage of late period ADC putting on like twenty pounds of hideous leather garbage.

Mike: Is there anything more depressing than when comedians pretend to be rock stars?

Max: It’s a literal eternity before Dice gets to his garbage weird spokenword nursery rhyme poetry where he talks about Little Miss Freakin’ Muffet’s b-hole.

Mike: I tried to tell Max to turn it off but it came out in Andrew Dice Clay’s “Wife Voice,” I was like “Maaaaaax why are we gonna watch the whole thiiiiing?”

Max: Andrew Dice Clay is unintentionally the funniest thing in the world. “I-I JUST THOUGHT.” “MIKE I-I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD WATCH ‘I’M OVAH HERE NOW.’”

Mike: The name of the special comes from, no joke, The Diceman expecting the audience to be amazed that he can walk across the stage.

Max: “Andrew Dice Clay: I’m Over Here Now” sounds like his first foray into a Tony Wonder-esque magic special. “Ehhhh it’s a fuckin’ rabbittttt shut up jerkoff i’m not a family aaaaact”

Mike: “That’s not your fuckin card? That’s not your fuckin card? You wop piece of shit go piss up your own asshole, i’m the one on the fuckin’ stage.”

Max: Without even looking I feel like Andrew Dice Clay has like TEN terrible autobiographies. “THE DICEMAN COMETH: MY STORY OF ME”.

Mike: “OH BROTHA… SOMEBODY ROLLED ME AGAIN”

Max: “*Wife Voice* I-I JUST THOUGHT WE COULD READ ABOUT ANDREW DICE CLAY”

Mike: “NUMBER ONE COCK, BALLS TIED FOR SECOND: FIFTY YEARS OF JUST BEIN’ DICE”

Max: “I’M UNDER HERE NOW: ANDREW DICE CLAY THE SUBTERRANIA YEARS”

Mike: “JUST TROW DA FUCKIN PIZZA DOWN: ANDREW DICE CLAY LIVE FROM THE WELL WITH BABY JESSICA”

Max: This is a great standup DVD if you like gross comedy from a dude who looks like what happens when Bebop fucks Rocksteady.

Got a cool product you think TrashMall should feature? Email Robinson@deadshirt.net.

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