TrashMall: The TrashMall Halloween 2014 Special Edition

Journeymen Deadshirters Mike Pfeiffer and Max Robinson are the Trash Boys. In TrashMall, they bring you the hottest products and apparel from thrift stores, vintage shops and other retail hotspots around New York’s five boroughs. This month they got spooked and scurred at New York Costumes in Manhattan’s Union Square.

yelp photo

The Flash 2nd Skin Costume

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Quantity: 1

$45.99

Description

When you’re the fastest man alive it pays to be aerodynamic, and this skintight polyester-and-spandex mix full-body zentai suit will cover all identifying features in addition to keeping down your wind resistance. Based on the comic book that inspired The CW’s THE FLASH.

Reviews

Max: Halloween! A time for children to dress up in cute costumes. A time for belligerently drunk adults to waste money on borderline fetish wear.

Mike: If you’ve got weird sex requirements but can’t make time to purchase the equipment then Halloween is a good time to slip in a full body fetish suit next to your candy shopping. You also raise a good point: that mouth is sealed, and somebody is going to puke inside of it.

Max: Yes, I think the most upsetting part of this weird Green Man-style The Flash costume is the printed-on human mouth. Imagine someone wearing this costume and tilting their head sideways ever so slightly. It’s like the creature from The Thing trying to take on a human form but fucking it up.

Mike: When I took a picture of this the iPhone camera failed to recognize that outfit as a Human Face. I think it’d be clear it’s a human inside when there’s a soft coughing sound and then a little aerosolized mist of half-digested bagel bites puffs out of the mouth mesh, though. And then the crying.

Max: Plus, what happens if you get a boner? Really troubling stuff.

72” Inflatable Skeleton

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Quantity: 1

$9.99

Description

Hang it indoors, hang it outdoors! This 72-inch, lightweight inflatable skele-pal is sure to scare up some compliments from friends and neighbors alike.

Reviews

Max: I don’t care for this Pixar movie.

Mike: No? You don’t like this animated feature where a child’s father immediately dies and we spend two lovingly computer-rendered hours crying with the child as the Imagineers© push the limits of what we use to mollify our larvae?

Max: Snark aside, this is probably more of a “Pete’s Dragon” kind of deal where a lonely little boy who idolizes Dave Foley’s Manservant Hecubus character from Kids In The Hall befriends a wisecracking floating skeleton only *he* can see.

Mike: How relieved do you think this kid was when he got the call later that day that he totally nailed the Two and a Half Men audition and he wouldn’t have to be “The Skeleton Chump” for the rest of his life?

Max: You know those medieval woodcarvings of, like, Elephants? But they don’t have any visual reference, just like a third-hand account? This is that, but with a skeleton. If skeletons were real, which they thankfully are not.

Tiger Suit

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Quantity: 1

$84.99

Description

You’ll be the tomcat talk of the town in this purr-fect Siberian white tiger plush outfit. Stare out from the neck of one of the largest predatory mammals on Earth and survey your kingdom.

Reviews

Mike: …But will Julian like it?

Max: Christ. Where do we even begin with this? The secondary head? The fact that it’s being modeled by what appears to be Mitt Romney’s cousin?

Mike: We’re almost at the crucial singularity where The Furry Vote will have to be pandered to like every other special interest group.

Max: This costume is clearly intended for bosses to wear to office Halloween parties to fuck with their subordinates. “Hello Davidson. How do you like my tiger costume? You’ve got that performance evaluation coming up next month, right?”

Mike: The tiger’s eyes are… hypnotic. I keep looking at the photo longer than I mean to. The fruits of the CIA’s psychological experiments are still finding their way into consumer markets, I think.

Max: Anyway all I’m saying is I think Julie Taymor’s take on The Lion King has gotten way fucking off course.

Skull Funnel

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Quantity: 1

$14.99

Description

From Amazon.com: “Talk about a strange way to ingest liquid. Pour your devil’s brew into the skull head and it empties into the receiver’s mouth by way of the corrugated esophagus look tube. Plastic.”

Reviews

Mike: Yale secret society initiations have gotten pretty passé if they’re just selling these in stores now. I imagine this is a replica of the real funnel made from the skull of alumnus Eli Whitney that real Skull N Bonesman have to chug Natty Light through.

Max: “Use with your favorite beverage.” Cool I choose milk.

Mike: I can’t imagine any fluid coming out of that weird plastic hose without being WAY more poisonous and lead-filled than it was when it went in. It has that ominous “HAND WASH THOROUGHLY BEFORE USE” sticker on it.

Max: This whole thing seems like a bit much. I admire the commitment to the bit, but… there are limits. Just use a regular beer bong, boys (and ghouls).

Mike: No, I want it grosser. I never recovered from the Doctor Dreadful school of grossing out sisters and/or cousins. At my Halloween party if you want a drink then you better get ready to suck Fireball Whiskey through a bunch of tripe.

Max: “CUSTOMERS ALSO BOUGHT: a gasmask bong shaped like the Alien facehugger.”

Mike: No party is complete without everybody looking like they just humiliated you at Mortal Kombat every time they try to just Drink A Damn Beer.

Max: Admittedly, this would be a Dope As Hell accessory for your “douchebag frat bro Predator” costume. AND SPEAKING OF THE PREDATOR…

Alien Vs. Predator Wall Mount

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Quantity: 1

$8.99

Description

Mounting trophies on the wall isn’t just for extraterrestrial game hunters anymore! Hang one of movieland’s greatest villains on your wall without becoming embroiled in a South American military operation or futuristic gang war.

Reviews

Max: “Have a kickass summer “- The Predator

Mike: “I’m outta here… Val Verde High School Football Rules” – The Predator

Max: I can’t tell if Predator is thinking deeply about his kills or just generally admiring his cool blades.

Mike: Predator is either celebrating accidentally scoring two candy bars from the machine or he’s thinking about when Haile Selassie returns to Earth and Zion is restored.

Max: This is a selfie Predator took in his spaceship, reimagined in the artistic medium of “flimsy brittle plastic.”

Mike: It’s even square like an Instagram photo. Right before he nuked his own ass this was on Instagram like “WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND BABY…”

Max: This is his Twitter profile picture too. “Hunter of interstellar game. Chivalrist. Cigar enthusiast. Not necessarily in that order. Retweets do not reflect my clan. #TeamNoArnolds”

Mike: It obscures the weight he put on after college so it’s his Tinder pic, too. Swipe right and you end up getting unsolicited messages about blood viscosity, but swipe left and you get skinned alive.

Max: Haha Happy Halloween, The Predator we love you.

Got a cool product you think TrashMall should feature? Email Robinson@deadshirt.net.

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