Deadshirt

Fox’s “Batman-without-Batman” soap opera is the most amazingly weird show on television. For every episode this season, Deadshirt’s own Sarah Register, Kayleigh Hearn and Max Robinson discuss the good, the bad…the beginning? of little Bruce Wayne, skinny Oswald Cobblepot, and Jim Gordon sans ‘stache as they try to find their way in the misery-soaked, work-a-day world of…GOTHAM.

Good guys are evil! Evil guys are fighting other evil guys! Let’s climb inside this PRETTY HATE MACHINE.

WE OPEN ON A LATE NIGHT COURT OF OWLS BOARD MEETING

Max: I kinda assume Arlo Givens/Bruce’s Sensei lured the Court of Owls members to the board room with like free pizza. But instead they just got free throat slittings.

Sarah: Gotham’s wrapping up plotlines right on schedule, I see.

IS ALFRED AN HONORARY COP NOW OR SOMETHING?

Sarah: Alfred is going to be Commissioner before Jim will.

Max: When u find out your billionaire ward has been radicalized by an owl cult.

Kayleigh: The GCPD’s been so decimated by supervillains with saw-hands and freeze guns that they need to outsource to butlers now.

EVERYONE IS HAVING MEETINGS

Max: Even Tabitha refuses to buy whole swaths of the plot of Gotham. I love that everyone is freaking out that The Penguin and his army of super-freaks are coming for them now.

Sarah: So glad someone finally addressed Caroline’s “stern updo”.

Kayleigh: The fact that the show hasn’t utilized a Rick James “Super Freak” music cue is an act of Herculean restraint.

LEE LIVES IN LIKE A STEVIE NICKS MUSIC VIDEO??

Max: Lee Thompkins lost faith in law and order, injected that blood virus in her arm and now she’s Morticia Addams. We’ve all been there.

Kayleigh: This is like one of those Sailor Moon episodes where a Sailor Scout gets transformed into an evil vixen in a slinky dress, and they try to talk her back with the power of LOVE.

Sarah: When ALL of your exes become insane, fabulously-dressed vengeance-vixens, maybe the problem is you.

PENGUIN’S BREAKIN’ SHIT

Max: Selina agreed to help Oswald find his army of monsters with air of someone agreeing to give a younger sibling a ride to the mall.

Kayleigh: Selina’s complete indifference to supervillain temper tantrums is a gift that keeps on giving.

THERE’S A BLOOD BOMB AND BRUCE WAYNE’S GOT HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON

Max: Love this bespoke cast iron blood bomb. Did the Court get this off Etsy?

Kayleigh: Oh, how I missed Hugo Strange’s sinister purring. “HELLOOOOOOO, BRUUUUUUCE.”

BATTLE OF BRUCE’S OLD MAN MENTORS

Max: Gotham is a show where Alfred the butler threatens to shoot another old guy in the face and it sustains me.

Sarah: At this point, Bruce’s most stable father figure is Harvey Bullock.

JIM GORDON IS BURIED AT THE GRAVE OF PAULA SCHULTZ

Max: “Wow this sucks” – James Gordon

Sarah: Only in Gotham could a woman bury a man alive in broad daylight in a central park with no witnesses.

Kayleigh: Bet you regret taking Lee to that Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair screening at the New Beverly now, Jimbo.

Max: Evil Lee is less scary and menacing and more “lazily cosplaying as Elvira.” I enjoyed her little meet cute with Hugo Strange though.

OKAY SO ALFRED REALLY IS JUST A COP NOW HUH

Max: Bullock running out the door and literally telling Alfred to torture Hugo Strange until he gets results is w i l d. “Down ya pop!”

Sarah: You can see where Batman will get his penchant for dangling crooks off of skyscrapers for intel.

Kayleigh: SOMEONE in the writer’s room really loved that scene in Oldboy.

JIM GORDON IS ALL HOPPED UP ON BLOOD AND READY TO PARTY

Max: Gordon all crawling out of a grave like a Season One Buffy vampire in this episode.

Sarah: Dammit, Max, you stole my line!

Kayleigh: bullock: jim come over

jim: I can’t, lee buried me alive in the woods

bullock: the rage bomb is about to go off

jim: 

PENGUIN VS. RIDDLER 2

Max: “Say my super-villain name!” is a very normal and unsexual request.

Sarah: Their sexual tension-wrought murder pact is basically Gotham’s version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Kayleigh: How many gifs of Nygma sloooowly rubbing his loaded phallic symbol on Oswald’s face are on Tumblr right now? 80? 200?

THE RETURN OF FISH MOONEY

Max: Holy shit Fish is back and she looks cool as hell. Thank you, Jada Pinkett.

Kayleigh: NOW THE PARTY DON’T START ‘TIL I WALK IN

Max: Tabitha’s little “what the fuck?” look when Butch talks glowingly about Fish.

Sarah: Butch is always drawn to the most powerful woman in the room which is why I love him.

ALFRED JUST WANTS HIS BOY BACK

Max: Fuck man, Alfred threatening to kill Bruce if it’ll stop him from committing mass murder is Good Stuff.

Sarah: It’s interesting that Bruce still avoids getting blood on his hands thanks to his trigger-happy brainwasher.

Kayleigh: All that ninja training in the Alps and Bruce can only onload on Alfred with all the fury of a trust fund kid finding out he’s only getting one pony for Christmas this year.

Max: THIS is the guy key to the Court of Owls’ master plan?

THE GOOD GUYS LOSE

Max: This episode is BLEAK. The blood bomb went off, presumably infecting hundreds with the rage virus. Bruce is still brainwashed by the Court, Gordon’s infected and Lee’s still on the loose.

Sarah: With so many mains infected, crazy, or generally incompetent, the villains may have to become the heroes next week.

Max: Next week is the TWO HOUR FINALE that will apparently tidy up all these plot threads and introduce Gotham’s version of Harley Quinn and Ra’s Al Ghul. Chills!

Kayleigh: But most importantly: SELINA WITH A BULLWHIP!

Gotham airs Monday at 8 p.m. Eastern on FOX.