Fox’s “Batman-without-Batman” soap opera is the most amazing weird show on network television. For every episode this season, Deadshirt’s own Sarah Register, Kayleigh Hearn and Max Robinson discuss the good, the bad….the beginning? of little Bruce Wayne, skinny Oswald Cobblepot and Jim Gordon sans ‘stache as they try to find their way in the misery-soaked, work-a-day world of…GOTHAM.
After a mere three months, Gotham is BACK with a whole new season of teen vigilantism, vast shadowy conspiracies and catty criminal infighting. And as the name of the season premiere implies, this is that Good Penguin Shit.
WE ARE LESS THAN THREE MINUTES IN AND SHIT IS BUCKWILD
Max: Mask ‘n hoodie Bruce Wayne’s chillin’ on rooftops stopping muggings like he’s killing time between missions in Arkham Knight, meanwhile The Penguin’s out here giving criminals a LITERAL CRIME LICENSE.
Sarah: That Bruce’s first successful act of vigilantism would be rebutted by an official “License of Misconduct” is the kind of delightful wtf plot twist I come here for.
Kayleigh: It took only four seasons for Gotham City to go full Purge.
Sarah: Take a shot every time Bruce takes off his mask in the middle of the street or in front of other people.
IS GOTHAM RICKROLLING US??
Max: I love this insane 70s-style italian wedding. Victor Zsasz up in this ballroom explaining the crime license like it’s Gotham City’s hottest new startup.
Sarah: I love that not one but two criminals pass on stealing the bride’s ring because it’s so cheap.
Kayleigh: In five minutes we have a Rick Astley cover, Snooki’s wedding, and a rogue Buscemi brother. Gotham’s back, baby!
PENGUIN’S GOT A NEW HAIRDO
Max: There’s a new mayor (was Penguin even formally impeached?) and new police commissioner and they both suuuuuck. Penguin’s really bounced back from getting shot and thrown into the Gotham river, guy’s makin’ moves.
Kayleigh: You know Penguin’s finally made it because he finally lost the greasy spiked “guy blocking the manga aisle at Waldenbooks” bangs. He’s so smooth he can say, “Oh by the way, crime’s legal now,” and the mayor’s like “Duhhhhh okay.”
Sarah: Gotham loves to push the envelope on how incredibly ineffective the GCPD has become, and this new low is so fun.
JIM GORDON, THE LAST HONEST COP?
Max: I love the new status quo set up here a lot, with the GCPD playing along with Penguin’s control of crime essentially out of shortsighted self-preservation and Jim’s being a huge pain in the ass about it.
Sarah: Is anyone else concerned that Jim gets his morning coffee at a bar?
Kayleigh: So Penguin’s unionizing the working class, reducing crime rates, and abolishing the police force…sounds good to me! I suppose what I’m getting at is, I want that famous scene of Norma Rae but with Penguin’s face photoshopped on Sally Fields.
Max: Oswald Cobblepot….welcome to the #resistance.
ALFRED TO BRUCE: YOUR PITCH NEEDS WORK
Max: Alfred is Bruce’s advisor on his independent study “becoming Batman.”
Sarah: Listen, Bruce, your mission can’t include TWO things. That’s too many things.
Kayleigh: Alfred’s just hoping he doesn’t get stabbed again.
IF YOU GIVE THE MARBLEMOUTH GUY AT ARKHAM $50 HE’LL LET YOU BORROW SOME FREAKS
Max: You guys! It’s the bus driver from The Adventures of Pete & Pete! And Michael Buscemi!
Sarah: Ah, yes, I see Gotham’s depiction of mental illness is still highly appropriate.
Max: OK so Steve Buscemi’s brother’s whole plan here is use Teen Scarecrow to make fear toxin, which his gang will use to rob banks and stuff. “I’m an outlawrrrr”.
Kayleigh: Jonathan locked in the closet with a Scarecrow—worst “Seven Minutes in Heaven” ever.
Max: Harvey calling that guy “a stupid hick” made me laugh so hard.
KITTEN WITH A WHIP
Max: Meanwhile Baby Selina is using that new bullwhip she got last season to beat up teen gangsters in her new crime apprenticeship. And then she and Tabitha got pizza!
Sarah: Tabitha > Alfred in teen vigilante training.
Kayleigh: Female mentor/mentee relationships in superhero fiction are so rare that Selina straight up whipping some punkass Rufio clones was strangely sweet.
Max: Is Victor Zsasz’s whole deal now that he’s an old Hollywood studio fixer but for crime? Because that’s pretty good.
Sarah: Zsasz gets to say “hi” and “bye” in that cute little voice in every scene because he just pops in to deliver a standard threat and then grabs a slice of pizza on the way out.
BRUCE DID THE BATMAN THING TO GORDON. YOU KNOW THE THING.
Max: Love to discuss a major criminal conspiracy with a teen who then disappears mid-conversation after inviting me to dinner.
Kayleigh: *camera pans down to Bruce huddled under a desk, hoping he doesn’t fart*
Sarah: Honestly the saddest part of this episode is that a kid invited Jim to dinner and he immediately responded with “how about right now?” because what even is his life anymore?
Max: Jim’s going home to another can of reheated Spaghetti-Os and half a bottle of Canadian Club.
SOFT OPENING OF THE ICEBERG LOUNGE
Max: Oswald’s just showing off the frozen human being at the heart of his nightclub to the press like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Jon Taffer would be pissed about this.
Kayleigh: Do they just chisel a chip off Edward whenever anyone asks for a martini on the rocks?
Sarah: How far away are we from the Gotham’s Iceberg Lounge featuring actual penguins? And how much longer after that will they be strapped with rocket launchers?
TIME FOR ANOTHER BEATING, JIM GORDON
Max: Ooo shades of Batman: Year One with Gordon taking on all those corrupt cops in the locker room.
Sarah: These locker room assaults happen so often they had to make a schedule.
Kayleigh: How does Jim even have any blood left in his body, after all the beatings he’s had?
BRUCE AND SELINA ARE CATCHING UP AT CRIME PROM
Max: Love ‘em. Love these kids. Love these stupid, stupid kids. Alfred is so fed up with their weird teen behavior. David Mazouz and Camren Bicondova are still adorable though.
Sarah: Every single time these two are in a scene together, I’m shoving chips in my mouth all, “Selina could do better.”
Kayleigh: Okay, but Bruce taking Selina’s “well get on this perilous ledge then nerd” dare while never breaking eye contact with her was smooth as hell, though.
WELL EVERYTHING’S GONE TO HELL
Max: You better believe Robin Lord Taylor will milk “sprayed with fear toxin, reduced to a screaming weeping mess” as much as he possibly can.
Kayleigh: Jim holding Oswald’s hysterical sobbing body with that “Well SOMEONE’S in a mood” look on his face.
Sarah: How stoked would season two Oswald be about running into the arms of Jim Gordon after being attacked?
Max: I would say overall the opening of his new club was kind of a draw.
BRUCE YOU ARE RICH YOU CAN AFFORD A BETTER MASK THAN THIS
Max: “I can’t give you this list of who has a crime license!” “Yoink!”
Kayleigh: *Droopy Dog voice* Oh dear, he stole my licenses.
Sarah: I hope Bruce’s voice cracks the next time he tries to do the deep, gravelly Batman tone.
Max: I kinda like that the first time “Batman” bursts through a skylight it’s a total accident and he completely blows it.
YOLO TEEN SCARECROW IS LOOSE
- Expired: Teen Pennywise
- Wired: Teen Scarecrow
Sarah: Scarecrow being victimized into villainy is an interesting take on the character that Gotham will completely forget to address ever again.
Max: Yeah I like this take where Scarecrow’s a whole other personality that subsumes him.
Kayleigh: The GCPD can set their “X Days Since Gotham City was Gassed by a Crazy Teen” sign back to zero.
Gotham airs Thursdays at 8 PM on Fox.