Fox’s “Batman-without-Batman” soap opera is the most amazing weird show on television. For every episode this season, Deadshirt’s own Sarah Register, Kayleigh Hearn and Max Robinson discuss the good, the bad….the beginning? of little Bruce Wayne, skinny Oswald Cobblepot and Jim Gordon sans ‘stache as they try to find their way in the misery-soaked, work-a-day world of…GOTHAM.
This week Gordon goes on Spring Break, Riddler busts loose and meets a fan, Bruce discovers the joys of playing dumb and oh yeah KNIFE TALK.
OH SNAP IT’S A FLASHBACK
Max: I’m into Gotham version of Ra’s al Ghul and his five second origin as a random murked soldier revived by a proto-Ra’s, who gives him a dope knife and a new purpose in life. That Lazarus Pit is really doing wonders for the community. Joining us once again in Sarah’s stead is venerable Arkham Asylum resident Andy “Nemo” Niemann.
Nemo: You know this is gonna be a good episode when it opens in 11th century Arabia. Dr. Ra’s al Bashir is here and down to party.
Kayleigh: We’re going to flashback to dinosaur times before this series is done, aren’t we?
HI I’M BRUCE WAYNE WELCOME TO JACKASS
Max: Bruce is doing classic Batman stuff (Investigate shady dealings at the port!) but still blowing it because he’s like 17 and a dummy.
Kayleigh: Alfred valiantly reminding Bruce not to get shot in the face.
Nemo: The bit where he wrecks Catwoman’s sting operation had me cackling.
DID JIM GORDON TAKE A CAB TO CUBA?
Max: Look at this straight up TV budget Bond movie nonsense. Carmine Falcone is dying! He had a good run! Here’s his previously unmentioned daughter.
Nemo: Gordon’s walked onto the set of The Godfather Part II. Apparently, though never mentioned, this is meant to be the Gotham universe version of Miami. It’s a sunny change of scenery from Gotham’s usual grim aesthetic!
GET USED TO A LOT OF THIS SHIT, ALFRED
Max: “Please don’t wear your not-Batman costume in broad daylight.” Alfred’s can’t be getting paid enough to hold Bruce’s hand through this whole urban vigilante learning process.
Nemo: Alfred just wants to make sandwiches, not babysit The Boy Blunder.
MEANWHILE AT VARIOUS SUPER-VILLAIN HIDEOUTS
Max: Barbara has learned the art of negging a teenager into doing her bidding and Penguin’s doing pretty typical Penguin stuff (screaming because a woman stole his frozen boyfriend, The Riddler). Congrats to Cory Michael Smith on a three episode streak of standing completely still behind some fake ice.
Nemo: Do you think Riddler was conscious the entire time and maybe saw Penguin, uh, “wax his bird” some lonely nights in the lobby? I shudder to think.
Max: “I dunno…it sorta opens up the room”. I’d watch a whole show of Mr. Zsasz’s interior decorating tips.
Kayleigh: Victor Zsasz’s lifestyle blog? It’s lit.
OH NO THE RIDDLER’S GETTING MISERY’ED
Max: Riddler super-fan Myrtle Jenkins is possibly the most Gotham a Gotham character could be.
Nemo: I was pretty sure we were almost getting a Harley Quinn style accomplice for Nygma but he is instantly not here for her bullshit.
Kayleigh: Myrtle definitely feels like a repudiation on the comic fans demanding a Harley Quinn appearance on Gotham.
AYYYY I’M LOOKIN’ FOR A GUY OVAH HEAH
Max: Before Matches Malone, Bruce adopted the criminal underworld guise of…@nycguidovoice.
Nemo: Bruce is developing his love of wacky accents, a crucial part of Batman’s character.
Kayleigh: In this episode, Bruce joins the Bowery Boys. (Only the finest jokes from 1940 for our readers here at Aw C’Mon Gotham)
Max: Alfred and Bruce disguised as longshoremen doing dumb accents is literally all I’ve ever wanted from this show.
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW HITS GOTHAM
Max: Ra’s al Ghul’s trying to get his knife back and Bruce/Alfred figure out that he’s thousands of years old while looking at some old timey fan art he commissioned.
Nemo: Ra’s al Ghul, big fan of DeviantArt Dot Com.
Kayleigh: The secret of immortality is hidden in a Garak/Bashir Deep Space Nine fanzine from 1995.
Max: It isn’t Gotham if there aren’t like two episodes per season about a magic blade.
GORDON JUST READ “THE RUM DIARIES” ON THE PLANE OVER
Max: Hey Gotham where are the Gordon/Falcone portions of this episode taking place? IS it Miami? Mexico? Somewhere in Central America? Help me out here Gotham.
Nemo: In the world of Gotham, Miami is a standalone country run by the mafia. Like Monaco but with more spumoni.
Kayleigh: Jim Gordon shot Sofia’s brother on his honeymoon and she shows as much emotion as, uh, Sofia Coppola in The Godfather Part III.
Max: Folks I love everything about The Riddler’s zany new sidekick, who feeds him tomato soup with question marks in it and who he clearly hates.
Nemo: Nygma gets mad at her for unoriginality like he just started a YouTube movie review site for nerds.
Kayleigh: This subplot is what those guys thought the all-women Ghostbusters literally did to them.
Max: The Riddler’s brain got messed up by being frozen and now all he can do is Weird Twitter bits.
Kayleigh: I was disappointed that he’s just brain-damaged, the obnoxious wannabe sidekick actually being smarter than The Riddler would have been hilarious.
OH NO ANOTHER WOMAN IS IN LOVE WITH JIM GORDON
Max: Gordon and Sofia Falcone are doin’ a Dharma & Greg thing on this beautiful beach so we’re ten episodes from her becoming some manner of crazed super-villain he’s wronged.
Nemo: You’re not wrong Max, as Sofia Falcone eventually becomes a serial killer called the Hangman, at least according to Jeph Loeb’s Dark Victory comic. Jim can sure pick ‘em.
Kayleigh: Which reminds me, Alberto Falcone hasn’t been mentioned yet, has he? If any Batman villain was tailor-made for Gotham, it’s the skeletal Tim Sale drawing of Jason Schwartzman.
Max: Carmine’s got kids all over town.
EVERYONE IN GOTHAM CITY IS HORNY FOR THIS KNIFE
Max: Alfred referring to Bruce’s “beautiful parents” is such a delightful Pertweeism. I’m here for Bruce learning the fine art of acting like a dumb playboy.
Nemo: Bruce buys that Party City-looking knife for two million dollars like a miniature Martin Shkreli.
Kayleigh: I’m so glad Gotham never listened to the folks saying it didn’t need baby Bruce Wayne, because David Mazouz playing the rich brat who petulantly outbids Barbara by one cent was fucking gold.
Max: Bruce is just yelling at this auction and Alfred couldn’t be more proud/embarrassed. Just screaming about this knife and pissing off everyone in the room! The Penguin is like “You in danger, girl.”
JK SOFIA FALCONE IS BAD NEWS ALREADY
Max: Sofia all “SIKE I’M HERE TO RUN GOTHAM’S CRIMINAL UNDERWORLD JUST LIKE YOU WANTED LATER HOMIE”
Nemo: They’re gonna have a great relationship until Jim has to stab her or something.
POUR ONE OUT FOR THE RIDDLETTE
Max: Aw C’mon, Gotham, you can’t introduce the character find of the century and then kill her off immediately.
Kayleigh: Just throw her on the pile of other female characters killed to further The Riddler’s story arcs.
Nemo: RIP the Riddlette, but as Penguin said, “No one ever stays dead in this town.”
Max: Hopefully the Character Find of 2017 gets a dip in the Lazarus Pit. Only on Gotham do characters exchange pleasantries about a question mark dress before a gangland execution.
RA’S AL GHUL UNDERCOVER BOSS
Max: Barbara’s boss, duh doy, is Ra’s, and he brought her back from the dead with the Lazarus Pit and trained her to be a ninja. Remember when she was just Jim Gordon’s boring fiance on this show??? We’ve come a long way, baby.
Nemo: Can’t wait until Ra’s and Barbara make a baby Talia. Also wow the Ra’s ninja school garners fast results.
Kayleigh: Maybe Barbara’s Pris from Blade Runner hair actually turned her into a Replicant.
Max: Barbara got her degree online through Nanda Parbat Polytechnic in just five short months!
Gotham airs Thursdays at 8 PM on Fox.