Introducing Letters from Pizzaton, a new feature chronicling the adventures of Mayor IKEA-San (Kyle Herr) in the weird, wild world of Nintendo’s Animal Crossing.
Most people will tell you that you’ll never be prepared for the day that you move out of your parents’ house and set out on your own. I was arrogant and fresh out of the graduate program at City University; I thought I was ready for anything. Well let me be the first to tell you, those people aren’t lying. I can assure you that as I type this I have no less than thirty reasons why they’re right, and they’re all lodged deeply into the side of my horrifically swollen face.
Welcome to Pizzaton.
Why are there regular hornets in a town filled with man and womanimals!?
Now, you can imagine how shocked I was to learn that not only did my career adviser set me up with an interview with the mayor of Pizzaton, a town that I’ve never actually heard of, but that, due to some clerical error, I have become the new mayor.
It didn’t take too long to settle in, constant hornet attacks aside, and pretty soon I was ready to meet the citizens of Pizzaton.
It should be mentioned that my job as Mayor doesn’t actually come with a salary. Luckily for me, the town’s economy seems to be based around shaking oranges out of the many trees in town, and selling them to a store called Re-Tail that buys just about anything you bring them, no questions asked. Fruit, bugs, fish, fossils, Reese buys it all. I do find it kind of strange that she doesn’t ever seem to resell anything that I bring in though.
I’m pretty sure that Reese is hiding something. Maybe it has to do with that pipe out back that leaks some kind of glowing bone-filled slurry that smells like oranges.
So once I was settled into my office, my assistant Isabelle gave me a crash course in mayoral duties, which included buying a house so that I could apply for some kind of town development permit, otherwise I couldn’t even pass a single law. Fair enough, I suppose. I would look pretty foolish if I just slept in a tent or something.
Unfortunately, this is exactly what I ended up doing, thanks to Tom Nook, the town’s only real estate agent/loan shark. He offered to build me a house, but it would take some time, so he let me borrow a tent.
Generous guy, I think I’ll audit him this tax season.
Understandably pissed about yet another loan in my life and not looking forward to sleeping on the floor like some kind of animal (the normal kind, not the half person kind), I decided to spend some time getting to know the locals and sizing them up for my new town initiatives.
The first person that I ran into was Phil, a birdman that I haven’t seen too often since that first day in town. I don’t think he really enjoys the outdoors, which makes sense since he’s probably ashamed of his useless wings.
Come on man, do you even flap? I really doubt it.
I didn’t sign up for a therapist job, chump. Come back when you’ve resolved your flight issues.
Speaking of workout routines, here we have Axel. He’s an elephant with the ugliest house you’ve ever seen. You’d think someone so obsessed with exercise would have a more appropriate place, but no. Not a single Total Gym to be found in the guy’s house, but he sure has circus themed furniture in spades.
I don’t think he’s actually the bodybuilder that he thinks he is; I think it’s just an excuse to wear a singlet in public. I should probably pass some kind of ordinance that makes pants on elephants mandatory.
Pretty sure that “whonk” is some kind of slur. Laugh it up while you can, pal.
Portia is a Dalmatian and a pretty alright person (dog?), though she always gives me the same t-shirt every time I help her out. Maybe she’s senile? She always wants me to bring her fish and I would wonder how she can go through so many in such a short time, but then I’d also have to wonder where this seemingly infinite supply of t-shirts comes from.
How can you afford all of these free shirts but not food? I better check the local books to make sure there’s nothing shady going on here.
I have to admit that she has guts, calling me out in public and all.
Finally, there’s Clay (technically there’s also a toad named Wart Jr. but that guy sucks). This guy is probably the coolest dude that I’ve ever met, so he balances out all the other jerks in this town. He’s always so happy to see me and always takes my advice on what would make his house look even better. He’s a really chill guy even though I think he moonlights as a luchador, which is really just another reason why he’s the coolest guy in town. Well, besides myself of course, but that’s a given. It’s also the core tenet of the first law that I’ve been drafting.
Nothing much, just hoping to shake the hand of the guy who buried Wart Jr. alive.
All in all, my short time in town has been alright, irritating constituents and all. Hopefully Nook speeds up on the construction process on my house since this town is just crawling with bugs, which I admit is kind of convenient seeing as I can just sell them to Reese, but that’s not the point.
The point is, I’m the new mayor of Pizzaton and there are going to be some changes around here.
From the Desk of the Mayor
IKEA-San, MBA
Kyle Herr is a contributing writer to Deadshirt. He graduated from Susquehanna University in 2012 with a B.A. in Creative Writing and a minor in Film Studies. His life goal is to become a cyborg and play a lot of video games in the process.
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