Hey, you. Yeah, you.
Having a good time at work? Huh? Plugging away at spreadsheets you can barely read and ducking over to Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest when your boss dips out for a Subway Flatizza? Good thing your uncle got you this office gig, or it’d be back to memorizing European sizing metrics for coffee drinks at the ‘Bucks, right? Or maybe you’re not a 9-5er.
Maybe you’re just waking up on your sister’s couch and you just cut your hand on an empty PBR can. Her husband’s going to be annoyed that you’re raiding his first aid kit, sure, but the real trouble is gonna be explaining to your on-again, off-again girlfriend why the hell a grown man has a My Little Pony band-aid on his hand. And why you smell like mystery flavor Doritos Jack’d. The blue bag. Or why you don’t have the money you owe her. Or why, no matter how much you protest to the contrary, you never seem to amount to shit.
I can relate. In Pain & Gain, I played Daniel Lugo, a personal trainer who got so sick of this fucking rat race that he got wise. Got ideas. Got a way to get out of this bullshit and into the life he really wanted. It’s a good movie, man. We worked real hard on it. Some people say it’s like Michael Bay’s The Bicycle Thief, but me, I’ve never been that into De Sica.
Did I mention The Rock is in it? He doesn’t like it when you call him The Rock, but he’s a really nice guy and he always smells like Haagen Dazs french vanilla ice cream, and it’s not often you can comfortably say that about a man, you know?
Anyway, it’s a damn good movie. These Deadshirt guys are going to be watching it tonight and livetweeting it, if you’re into that kind of thing. I prefer to really watch a movie, you know? Really study it. I mean, they do, too, I guess, but they’re doing an internet thing and like, laughing about the movie and all of that.
Look, when you get off work, or finish apologizing to your girlfriend, pop in your copy, or, I don’t know, NetflixPlus it or whatever. They’re starting it at 8pm ET. I’d be there, but I’m in another Michael Bay movie with giant robots and I gotta go answer a bunch of questions about it for people. (Like, what do they want to know? Optimus rides a dinosaur. It sells itself.)
You can follow them on Twitter @DeadshirtDotNet and use the hashtag #DeadshirtDN so you and all your friends can follow along. Try not to get too drunk, because this movie has a lot of powerful imagery about the myth of the American Dream and we worked real hard on it and I don’t want anyone to miss out. Oh, and if you liked me in Ted, my friend Seth has a new Western coming out tomorrow. Real experimental like. I think you guys’ll enjoy it.
Also, say “hi” to your mother for me.
Yeah, okay, we didn’t really get endorsed by Mark Wahlberg. He’s never heard of us. But you should come hang out anyway. On the plus side, that means you can make all the Funky Bunch jokes you want and he can’t get mad. See you at 8pm Eastern.