Journeymen Deadshirters Mike Pfeiffer and Max Robinson are the Trash Boys. In TrashMall, they bring you the hottest products and apparel from thrift stores, vintage shops, and other retail hotspots around New York’s five boroughs. This month they plumbed the depths of Online to bring you our picks from Julien’s Auctions’ Property From the Life and Career of Burt Reynolds.
Max: Well it’s Christmas time again and a certain famous jolly old elf is here with gifts for all the good little boys and girls of the ‘net. *drinks spiked Royal Farms eggnog from two liter plastic jug*
Mike: Some call him The Bandit, and some Ole Saint Sharky, but around Sharkatraz the one thing you can be sure of is that when Burt Reynolds comes to town it’s with a giant sack of tacky crap he has to sell from his mansion to avoid debtor’s prison.
Max: Merry Christmas, baby, Burt sure did treat us RIGHT.
Burt Reynolds Caricature Drawing
A watercolor on paper caricature of Burt Reynolds wearing a cowboy hat and holding a football, signed lower right “Ivan ’91.”
18 by 12 1/4 inches (sight); 24 1/4 by 18 1/4 inches (framed)
Mike: How old were you when you finally figured out Burt Reynolds was actually just your dad with a fake mustache and a giant cucumber stuffed in his cartoon jeans?
Max: People say that telling your kids about Burt Reynolds is cruel but I think it’s a fun yuletide tradition. There’s something magical about leaving out a copy of Hustler and a pint glass of high-end scotch on Christmas Eve, only to find a can of Turtle Wax in your stocking the next morning.
Mike: Well, every culture has their own version of Burt Reynolds, Max! My mom was French so she was raised on the idea that Burt Reynolds’ old Trans-Am was pulled by a team of rowdy football players from a team inexplicably called “The Reynoldses,” as seen on the t-shirt in this caricature by one of the Longest Yard inmates.
Max: Are we sure this is a caricature of Burt Reynolds? Are we sure this isn’t Burt’s southwestern beagle cousin Spike Reynolds?
Mike: The Reynolds men are all gifted with melon-like foreheads that they use to split open oysters and crabs. I know it’s a cheap shot to make at a cartoon that’s supposed to be exaggerated on purpose but Burt’s head makes him look like he’s scheming something with Pinky.
Max: Oh my god I was just about to say, this caricature looks like Maurice Lamarche sounds. What’s up with weird water stains on the frame here? Pretty sure this hung over Burt’s toilet so he could admire it whenever he was making a little White Lightning.
Burt Reynolds Painted Sign
Description: A painted wood sign reading “Burt’s Brass Rail.”
Max: I love that Burt Reynolds, a
millionaire a famous movie star the star of Boogie Nights still has normal person dreams of having, like, a bar in his basement.
Mike: Dads love Burt Reynolds because Burt Reynolds is your dad, with money. He got to hang out with the Rat Pack, buy all the cowboy boots he wanted, and Your Mother Never Made Him Take Down That Awful Sign. I feel like Burt’s first try at selling off this stuff involved sitting in a lawn chair on his driveway in some jorts, knocking back longnecks and giving you a discount if you’d rock out to BTO with him, even for a minute.
Max: Burt came up with the name, commissioned the sign and moved all the liquor scattered throughout his palatial estate into one spot so he could play bartender with Jerry Reed one Sunday.
Mike: Other pieces from this collection are probably like…“BURT PARKING ONLY” and “CAUTION…BURT AT WORK”
Max: “IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BURT FELL OFF”
Mike: God, can you even imagine the yellowed stack of OUI magazines stashed under the bar next to the Tanqueray? Burt is probably the guy who keeps dropping them in the woods. Friend To All Youths With A Dream.
Max: Honestly, this sign is just evidence of how great Burt Reynolds is. Next item please.
Burt Reynolds Hand Carved Cigar Store Indian
Quantity: 1 (we hope)
Description: A carved wooden handpainted life-size cigar store Indian holding a pipe.
Mike: Got any words up there you wanna redact, hot shot?
Max: I take it back, Burt Reynolds is Bad Man.
Mike: This is total Dad-racism, though. If you called Burt on this he’d be like “No! I’m honoring them! They have a proud tradition of smokum peace pipe,” and then you’d realize it was a mistake to bring your girlfriend to visit your Uncle Burt.
Max: This piece is a great example of some of the really baffling, high-end purchases Burt Reynolds has apparently made over the years. Why does he own this?! Like, I get that Burt Reynolds wants to live in an actual Western but where does he put a six foot tall wooden cigar store Native American?
Mike: He probably makes it look like it’s locked in combat with the Kodiak Brown Bear
Max: Even the statue looks embarrassed.
Mike: “I am so sorry I look like this. [Heavy sigh] Welcome to Burt’s Brass Rail, would you like to see the appetizer menu?”
Burt Reynolds Portrait Signed Illegibly
Description: “The Many Faces of Burt,” oil on artist board, signed [Victorly?] and dated ’82 lower right.
Max: The auction title is like someone trying to top Hemingway’s six-word novel about the baby shoes.
Mike: REVELATION 8:15 “Four faces of Reynolds and one of Zangief, clutching a pistol to shoot off his own deceptive cowboy hat, a rider will come from the west bringing Frosty Coors.”
Max: This handsome oil painting commemorates the time Sarah Connor spin-kicked the T-1000 into a pool of molten metal and it frantically transformed into several iterations of Burt Reynolds before dying a coward’s death.
Mike: Burt Reynolds’ money problems come from paying particle physicists to unstick his quantum-superposition after it became entangled with alternate dimensional Burts while attempting to, again, bring back Frosty Coors from the Earth where it’s still Wild West times. The creator of the Machine? Dr. Arnold Sharkovski.
Max: Burt Reynolds floating in the fifth dimensional library, yelling at his past selves to not waste all his money on the worst fucking art in the world.
Mike: Somewhere there are five Burt Reynoldses who are not aging.
Max: Really the buried lede here, is the illegible signature. Who was “Victorly[sic]?”
Mike: That’s a pen name. I know the real name. But Max. Do you have your helmet on?
Mike: Are you strapped in?
Max: OH yeah.
Mike: Salvadore Dolly Parton.
BURT REYNOLDS “SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT” 1977 PONTIAC TRANS AM COUPE – Y82 SPECIAL EDITION
Description: Few movies are as iconic in the world of cars as Smokey & the Bandit. Released January 1, 1977 starring Burt Reynolds, Sally Field and a black and gold “Screaming Chicken,” the movie tells the story of the aches and pains of getting a Coors beer east of the Mississippi. This is Mr. Reynolds’ 1977 Trans Am Coupe (T-Top) which was used as a promotional vehicle for the movie and gifted to Burt for his collection. She features a 400 cid Pontiac V-8 engine, a 4-barrel carburetor and an automatic transmission. With a gold plaque on the driver door stating “1977 Pontiac Trans Am Owned By Burt Reynolds” and a customized “Bandit” logo, this is “no ordinary automobile”; it’s a piece of “Hollywood History.” This is an amazing opportunity to own what just might be the coolest car EVER! [This is the auction’s description from the website and we wanted to keep in the words “Screaming Chicken.” -The TBs]
Mike: Do you ever see something that makes you like…ready to commit a crime? Like in your head you’re already hugging Vin Diesel and Ludacris and being accepted into the family after you all manage to sweatily wrangle Burt Reynolds’ personal Firebird from a police impound lot?
Max: Sorry Mike what did you say? I was too busy lowering my sunglasses at the car in pure unadulterated sexual pleasure.
Mike: Oh did you do a retort? I was yelling “YEE HAW” after paying exact change at the McDonald’s and hitting a speedbump so fucking fast the car launches into the air.
Max: I’m ready to make a Jerry Maguire speech at this car. I want to marry this car and use it to clown on Jackie Gleason until he pukes.
Mike: Here’s my impression of me getting into the car. “Holy shit holy shit I can’t believe this. Wait. What smells like 30 years of spilled beer and unprotected sex shellacked onto vinyl seats like a damn candy apple?”
Max: My friend. Do not worry. That is American history you are smelling. Burt lost the sunroof bits a few years ago and there’s a chocolate stain from where Dom Deluise spilled a hot fudge sundae but that still doesn’t stop this from being The Best Fucking Car In The World.
Mike: Honest to god I am already writing a pitch for a movie where a kid steals the T-tops and uses them to go sledding and Burt Reynolds gets revenge by becoming the kid’s stepdad.
Max: Love it. I wish this car would run me over. Why didn’t those eggheads at NASA etch this onto the side of those golden discs what they put up for the aliens?
Mike: “Ad Astra, Per Frosty Coors”
Max: If this car turned into a Transformer, it’d be one that owed a lot of alimony.
Got a cool product you think TrashMall should feature? Email Robinson@deadshirt.net.