Fox’s “Batman-without-Batman” soap opera is the most amazingly weird show on television. For every episode this season, Deadshirt’s own Sarah Register, Kayleigh Hearn and Max Robinson discuss the good, the bad…the beginning? of little Bruce Wayne, skinny Oswald Cobblepot, and Jim Gordon sans ‘stache as they try to find their way in the misery-soaked, work-a-day world of…GOTHAM.
This week’s Gotham is heavy on lost hands and intrigue! Reheat the turkey and mashed potatoes and let’s get to it.
MAMA MIA THAT’S A SPICY CAR BOMB
Max: So we open on Lee and Mario at a pre-wedding dinner with Fan Fave Ex-Mafia Don Carmine Falcone. This is a really strange looking restaurant, it’s like they’re eating at a….Pasta Mansion? Anyway, some poor valet gets exploded because someone’s out to get Papa Falcone. Intrigue!
Kayleigh: RIP Italian Eugene Levy.
Max: Jim Gordon shows up and basically begs Falcone not to start a mob war and Falcone’s just like, “Ehh, we’ll see.”
Sarah: I mean, he gave him a day. More than fair.
AN EXTREMELY CAMP MEETING OF THE GOTHAM CRIME HEADS
Max: The Penguin treats running Gotham City’s organized crime with the giddy excitement of someone running a Bed, Bath and Beyond. I love it.
Kayleigh: If this all leads to a Barbara/Tabitha/Butch bisexual poly triad of mob bosses ruling Gotham City I am in.
Sarah: I don’t know if I can handle that. I already have to use my fainting couch every time Barbara walks into a scene wearing a cocktail dress.
BUTCH IS BACK AND HE’S GETTIN’ TORTURED
Max: Tabitha and Butch are in an extremely Nygma death trap.
Sarah: Butch should really consider leaving Gotham.
Max: I’m extremely glad Butch is back after many episodes away. Nygma finding him based on his love of eggplant parm and shaming him for being a lousy tipper was great.
THE RETURN OF PUT UPON POLICE CAPTAIN BULLOCK
Sarah: The first scene cut to Harvey in this episode has a flask in the foreground; it’s perfect.
Max: Any time Gotham makes Bullock acting head of the GCPD it’s gold, especially with Gordon playing straight man.
Kayleigh: It feels like this season has been shockingly light on Bullock, so let us all raise a glass of whiskey in one hand and a greasy hoagie in the other at this turn of events.
POISON IVY HAS ALFRED TRIPPING BALLS ON AROMATHERAPY OILS
Max: *jazz flute plays*
Kayleigh: Poison Ivy escapes Wayne Manor and is immediately captured because the writers just do not give a shit about her garbage subplot.
Sarah: Alfred comes to and realizes he left the back door open and Ivy got out, Selina tries shaking a bowl of her food in the back yard to lure her back.
SWORD WIELDING MOTORCYCLE ASSASSINS ARE TRYING TO KILL MARIO FALCONE FOR SOME REASON
Max: We’re at a point in Gotham where masked guys with crossbows and motorcycle ninjas are just like everyday inconveniences.
Sarah: Honestly, thank goodness Gotham assassins don’t just shoot people, or our heroes would never have a chance.
BARBARA IS EXCHANGING FANCY JEWELRY FOR THE LOW DOWN AT THE MAYOR’S HOUSE
Max: Mayor Penguin’s wacky Russian maid is a strange character even for Gotham.
Kayleigh: I think Barbara would be fun to get a pedicure with. I might lose a foot, but….
Max: “You mean likes likes? Wow, we definitely have to revisit THAT.” We are all Barbara.
Sarah: The fact that Barbara’s big power play is knowing that Penguin has a crush on Nygma (and, uh, killed his girlfriend) is incredible.
BABY DETECTIVE BRUCE AND THE MYSTERY OF THE GROSS OLD KEY
Max: Selina dipped the key in a glass of Coke and now they’re like “oh snap, there’s an owl on that key!”
Kayleigh: Baby Bruce acting like Wayne Manor is some kind of impenetrable fortress when it’s besieged by masked killers the same way normal houses get termites.
Max: So the crossbow guys with the crazy mouth-masks are….not totally evil?? The Whisper Gang seems cool. I’m going to need a copy of that huge Gotham City map to hang up on my wall.
STOCKS AND BONDAGE
Max: Gotham City has a supervillain bondage store and the guy who works there wears like a polo and slacks.
Kayleigh: 80% of Gotham City dresses like Art Deco bondage Replicants, so a polo shirt and slacks is kinky by comparison.
Sarah: I will never forget the episode of Gotham where Barbara spanks a man for intel.
A TINY GUILLOTINE JUST FOR HANDS?
Max: A LOT OF PEOPLE SURE LOSE HANDS ON THIS SHOW. Some fun Riddler shtick in this episode, Cory Michael Smith really hamming it up.
Kayleigh: Just imagine me screaming “OH COME ON!” in my loudest Jason Mantzoukas voice every time this show kills or maims a woman at this point. Though if the surgery doesn’t work, maybe Tabitha can come back with a cyborg whip hand or something.
Sarah: I’m kind of excited for the possibility of Butch and Tabitha having matching murder attachments.
DON FALCONE CAN PULL TEETH OUT OF A GUY’S MOUTH AND NO COP CAN STOP HIM
Max: Carmine Falcone on Gotham is basically a guy playing GTA on invincible. He’s got infinite ammo and lives and refuses to be placed under arrest.
Kayleigh: Court of Owls fake teeth and keys would be kickass exclusive merch at SDCC next year.
Sarah: The GCPD should just go ahead and make Falcone the new Captain.
REST IN PEACE, WHISPER GANG.
Sarah: Did Gotham invent and murder this gang just to explain to Bruce that the Owls are bad news?
Max: Court of Owls Matt Bomer just straight up The Matrixed that guy to death.
Kayleigh: Whitewashed Kato is back, and he’s PISSED.
OH SHIT MARIO’S GOT THAT ALICE BLOOD
Max: Turns out Mario, the guy who we knew kinda sucked, is insane and super strong and killed two teenagers. Sorry Lee, all the men in your life are straight-up murderers. Curious what the deal here is, does the Court know he was exposed to Alice’s blood somehow, or what? Was he a Court of Owls assassin this whole time??
Sarah: Two keys were mentioned, maybe Mario’s got one. He could have been some kind of player, but now he’s just going to screw himself over attempting to murder Jim.
Kayleigh: Mario Falcone, the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ emoji in human form.
Gotham airs Monday at 8 p.m. Eastern on FOX.