Fox’s “Batman-without-Batman” soap opera is the most amazing weird show on television. For every episode this season, Deadshirt’s own Sarah Register, Kayleigh Hearn and Max Robinson discuss the good, the bad….the beginning? of little Bruce Wayne, skinny Oswald Cobblepot and Jim Gordon sans ‘stache as they try to find their way in the misery-soaked, work-a-day world of…GOTHAM.
On this week’s Gotham: The Court of Owls makes its first big movie, The Penguin struggles to get back on top and Bruce has a cool new babysitter.
AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A COURT OF OWLS PARTY CUZ A COURT OF OWLS PARTY HAS MASKS
Max: All of Gotham has been leading to James Remar fatefully voting for something in an owl mask, I feel like.
Kayleigh: The Bachelor almost went with the “feathers and Eyes Wide Shut masks” ceremony but thought it was too creepy.
Sarah: Just a bunch of adults who all know who each other are standing in a room wearing masks, holding feathers, voting to annihilate a city. #Gotham
MEANWHILE AT SLEEPAWAY NINJA CAMP
Max: Holy shit, Raymond J. Barry, you guys. Dewey Cox’s evil dad and also Raylan Givens’s evil dad! It’s so weird to hear him talking with a “normal” voice instead of his usual Southern drawl.
Sarah: Apparently Bruce’s parents died before telling him that no adult ever asks a child for help without nefarious purpose. What is this old guy’s deal? And why does he add an extra “heh” at the end of every sentence?
Kayleigh: They needed a crotchety old white ninja guy to teach children to wear masks and beat up people in hallways, but Scott Glenn was already cast in Daredevil, so.
THE RETURN OF MAYOR BINGBONG
Max: Mayor Penguin’s out, Mayor Bingbong is in. Thank god we got Bullock solving a mystery with his knowledge of STDs.
Sarah: Honestly, it’s impressive that Mayor Penguin’s downfall was due to death and not impeachment.
Kayleigh: Mayor Aubrey’s re-election slogan: “Hey, at Least No One’s Blown Me Up with a Bazooka Yet”
PENGUIN IS RECUPERATING AT POISON IVY’S AIR BNB
Max: Poison Ivy’s all like “fine, dude, start your own evil army, damn!”
Sarah: Ivy is Penguin’s first sidekick to tell him “literally nothing is stopping you,” and he has no idea what to do with her.
Kayleigh: Penguin rolling his eyes at Ivy like she’s the bratty little sister he never had was great. But, really, everything Robin Lord Taylor does on this show is great.
LOTS OF GOOD TALKS AT THE CEMETERY
Sarah: This seems like a crowded cemetery for what I assume is a Tuesday afternoon.
Max: Love 2 talk to my mysterious uncle about a plan to destroy Gotham City, then slide over and chat with my vengeful ex.
Sarah: I hated Jim a little bit in this scene, even if running into Lee was an accident. Give her some fucking space, for crying out loud.
Kayleigh: I really wish we could fast-forward through Lee’s big-haired mob wife grief, because Mario fucking sucked and would have killed her and we all know there’s going to be a reconciliation anyway.
EVERYTHING IS A MAZE, BRUCE
Max: Thank GOD “wrong kid died” guy is playing Crime Yoda to sweet baby Bruce.
Sarah: If nothing else, this scene made me realize how much David Mazouz has grown since the pilot.
Kayleigh: If Batman fans have to watch those damn pearls fall in slow motion one more time, we’re taking Bruce with us, goddamn it.
Max: Bruce is getting stoned on DMT, the Spirit Molecule.
BARBARA GORDON, THE QUEEN OF CRIME
Max: Fucking DEAD at “Love Hurts” playing over Barbara lording over some crime dudes from her throne.
Sarah: Answering my gilded rotary phone with “Barbara Kween” from here on out.
Kayleigh: MOMMA’S GONNA NEED A NEW PAIR OF STILETTOS.
PEOPLE ARE VERY TIED TO CHAIRS IN THIS EPISODE
Max: We got Barbara and Tabitha torturing some low-level Court of Owls goon in a warehouse before a Talon rolls up and starts decapitating AND Penguin and Ivy tied up at the mercy of goons. Bored teen Ivy is workin’ for me in this episode.
Sarah: Ladies are Getting Shit Done in this episode.
Max: It isn’t an episode of Gotham if Robin Lord Taylor doesn’t stab some huge dude to death in a fit of psychotic rage.
Kayleigh: RIP Gabe, gone to second banana heaven. He’s breaking kneecaps for the angels now.
WOW JAMES REMAR JUST STRAIGHT UP KILLED HIMSELF HUH?
Max: Gotham is a wild ride.
Kayleigh: “Gordon’s mysterious, previously-unknown uncle who works for the Court of Owls” seemed like a character with way too much potential to be iced this quickly, but after Isabella, maybe this is a thing they do. GHOST REMAR FOR SEASON 4!
OLD MAN TO BRUCE WAYNE: BECOME BATMAN ALREADY
Max: Man. Man! Gotham’s really going to give us Batman before all of this is said and done, huh?
Sarah: His voice is going to crack the second he tries that Batman voice.
Kayleigh: We are this close to teen Batman punching a guy in green question mark-covered spandex, and I am ready.
Gotham airs Monday at 8 p.m. Eastern on FOX.