Deadshirt

There’s a hundred-thousand chicken strips in this city. You don’t need to know the drive thru we’re using. You give me a time and a place, I give you five snack cups. Anything happens while you’re eating those five snack cups and I’m yours. I don’t sit in while you’re chowing down. I don’t carry a drink. I just Drive. Like that guy. Like that guy in that movie. What’s that called?

 

THE

TRASH

…

IS

BACK

 

From their perch in Sharkatraz atop the tallest apartment building in Astoria, Max Robinson, Mike Pfeiffer and Special Guest Jen Overstreet are The Trash Boys. In The Trashford Files, they investigate and review foods that are normally best eaten alone drunk in the dark after a breakup.

The Gastronomic Artifact

What are we putting in our talk holes?

Max: KFC’s new Go Cup. The latest weapon in The Chicken Industrial Complex’s war on waistlines.

Mike: You don’t know it, but there is an arms race going on under our feet at all times. The race… to snackify chicken. For the past few years men in lab coats who force pills into the beaks of genetically superior poultry have been working to make sure that you include chicken in the same breath as potato chips and corn nuts.

Max: Essentially, what that means is there are men and women who spent two years and a lot of money developing CHICKEN IN A CUP.

Jen: Eating fast food in a car is hard. I’m…excited.

Max: With this installment of The Trashford Files, we faced a new wrinkle: stuffing our faces with garbage WHILE IN A MOVING CAR. If we go under 50 miles an hour… we’d be going the speed limit, actually.

Mike: Jen, could you please describe your car?

Jen: Her name is Bathsheba, and she’s a six-years-young Honda hatchback, once described by a guy driving around a Pep Boys parking lot in an unmarked minivan as “Hey I could fix that bumper for you on the cheap.”

Max: Jen’s the driver. We’re the deejays. Let’s rock.

Presentation

How it look?

Mike: All that money, all that time, all that slurried chicken put under a microscope in one of those underground Resident Evil labs and they design a cup with two chambers. DISGRACEFUL. Our house already has a 3-chambered cup in it and that’s got Captain America on it. These clowns say they want to snackify chicken but they’re really half-assing it.

Jen: It doesn’t really fit in the cupholders.

Max: It’s too top-heavy! I will say that I appreciate that even when the cup is too big to fit, you can seemingly clip it on at the bottom? That’s fun. That’s a cool feature. Good job, KFC.

Taste

Does it satisfy?

Mike: I had gotten mugged and cigarette burned the night before by Hannibal fans at a bar with a TARDIS, so since this was not a lit butt being jammed into my face by a woman screaming “SWIGGITY SWAG I’M A STAG” I thought this chicken and fries combo was delicious.

Jen: Too many fries, not enough chicken.

Max: Yeah, there weren’t any weird surprises with these Go Cups; if you’ve had KFC before, you know what you’re getting into. I tasted the chicken sandwich/fries and spicy chicken bites/fries combo and they were both tasty. Someone probably saw us at a stop sign eating cupped chicken like ravenous wolves and stopped believing in God.

Mike: Also while ordering that thing happened again where the blasphemous enormity of our gluttonous aspirations boggles the mind of anybody who doesn’t spend eight hours a day checking foobloogs (blogs about food) for new edible monsters. There are several varieties of Go Cup, each including a few pieces of Snackified Chicken and some Actually Pretty Good Potato Wedges. When we tried to order “one of every kind,” we were confronted with the fact that no other human being would do this and had to explain it about five different ways before the chicken clerk sighed and Snackified us as our Lord intended.

Max: The lil sandwich was my favorite part, I think. It was like a single chicken strip on a tiny bun with some kinda white sauce (mayo? precious ooze?) and pickle slices. It was like a chibi sandwich. I blushed the whole time it took to eat it.

Mike: IN THE NAME OF THE MOON I WILL SNACKIFY CHICKEN

Practicality

How easy is it to put in your talk hole?

Jen: I’m not sure how I would handle this without a copilot. Who decided hot wings were a car food?

Max: At two separate points, Go Cups flew out of their holders when we stopped for lights and scattered potato wedges all o’er Jen’s backseat. It was like watching a baby carriage fall down a flight of steps. Jen’s car really got Snacked Up. Just Snacked All To Hell.

Mike: …Snackified, you could say.

Max: Could…but won’t.

Jen: Needs a section for sauce. I got barbecue all over my jacket.

Shame Factor

Would I eat this in front of a date or in a job interview?

Max: Let me ask YOU a question, sub-section header: What kind of job interview am I on where I’m eating chicken in a moving car? Is this some Training Day shit? Denzel Washington all holding a gun to my head, demanding I eat these wedges to show bad cop fealty?

Mike: It’s true, whatever handsome dummies designed this format didn’t count on the fact that properly snackifying chicken means that you can eat on-the-go before the big date, and then again after when she ends the date early because the inside of your car is crusted with tossed-around potato wedges and popcorned-style chicken.

Max: At the end of the day, you’re eating chicken and fries out of a weird little cup. That’s like textbook definition shame. A BABY will look at you and just shake its head.

Mike: If you could be a chicken ADDICT this is how they’d give you chicken METHADONE.

Jen: …I still think it’s a good idea.

The Road Safety Test

Red Light/Red Light/What Do You Say?

Max: Mike and I will now mercilessly critique Jen’s prowess as a driver. Mike?

Mike: Jen, you did a great job throwing the car into a Blues Brothers-style 180 turn when I thought I saw a girl I owed money to, but also every time you saw a “School Zone” sign you cackled and sped up. So I’m gonna say this evens out at like… a five out of ten.

Max: I appreciate how Jen was able to block out my various wails and screeches as I clawed desperately at the window to go Outside. I WAS NOT a fan of the fact that she wouldn’t let me stop to look at a dead turtle. SHADES OF GREY.

Mike: Overall me and max think big go go box look fun, but too fast make cry. Girl make hammer hugs on bad man who say he hurt us, but he got sauce on her. human bean juice

Max: jen friend. jen gud.

Mike: Also jen please tell us what this sign means??

Jen: …

…

…

(two minutes pass in silence)

…

A car on springs.

Final Rating

Is it worth feeding your self loathing to purchase?

Mike: A delicious failure at snackifying chicken. Sure I was able to hork down a McDonald’s Ball Pit sized amount of chicken while in a car, but if I was driving? Forget it. I’d be ankle deep in Extra Crispy. God, could you imagine if the Chinese snackify chicken before us? Or, God forbid, the Koreans? Do you really want to see Kim Jong Un roll into Washington and knock Lincoln off his stone throne without even having to stop his tank to cram his giggling maw with fried bird? Shameful. 3 out of 5 rats, and a bald eagle crying a tear that’s an American flag.

Max: Hey thanks for that one, Infowars. I would say that KFC’s Go Cups seem like a good idea on paper, but ultimately are lacking in execution. The flavor and taste are all top-shape but it might actually be HARDER to eat than a normal box because of the cup-shaped bottom. This was a modest disappointment, I think. Go back to the well, guys. Don’t come back until you’ve find a way for me to DRINK fried chicken. 3 out of 5 rats, each holding up a chicken wedge in Pyrrhic victory.

Jen: I need to eat a vegetable.

SECRET BONUS