Deadshirt

From the desk of the Headmaster

Salutations ladies and gentledoves! I hope you all had an enjoyable and productive summer break, but it is that time of year again. Time for a brand new semester of classes at St. PigeoNation’s! I expect great things out of the students and faculty this year and am ready to make this our best year ever, so study hard everyone.

To make sure that you do, Mr. Kazuaki is offering to stay late on Wednesdays and Fridays to help students struggling with math and to give tips on how to get a proper night’s sleep. Rest is important to young birdies after all!

But a strong mind is not the only thing we wish to foster here at St. PigeoNation’s Institute; a healthy body is just as important as a healthy mind. Make sure to sign up for an athletic team next week. Maybe our star track and field member Okosan can teach you a thing or two about pushing your body to the limits. Or at least share with you his enthusiasm for pudding.

No matter how you choose to spend your next year, always remember that you are in good company here at St. PigeoNation’s Institute. Here’s wishing you a great school year!

-Ichijou Mino, St. PigeoNation’s Headmaster

Class of 2196 Valedictorian Speech

Let’s begin the year by reflecting on the transcription of the wonderful speech from last year’s valedictorian, and human exchange student, Max Robinson.

As St. PigeoNation’s Valedictorian for the class of 2196, I want to welcome everybirdie, from my fellow students to teachers, administration, and parents. Today, we are graduating.

[Hold for applause]

Wow. What a long, strange trip it’s been! As the first human at the preeminent school for pigeon-kind, I worried on that first day that I would never fit in. And I never would have made it if not for the friendship and support from two special birds: my best friend Ryouta and my math teacher, Kazuaki-san.

Ryouta and I were friends from the moment I scooped him off the ground when he was just a baby. And what a good friend he’s been. Whether it’s cryptic text messages to meet him in the park at 9pm, complaining about his sensitive stomach, or passive-aggressively asking if I’ll give him a job at the cafe where I worked at over the summer, Ryouta was always there for me. When he told me his mother had passed away and that he had nobody left, I was obviously blindsided. But it turns out that was just the push our relationship needed to take things to the next level.

To most students, Kazuaki-san was just a teacher who kept falling asleep in class. But to me, he was so much more. During the few classroom moments when he was awake, he was a compassionate and thoughtful instructor. All the teachers at St. PigeoNation’s spend an inhuman amount of time here after hours, and why wouldn’t they, they’re birds!

[Hold until uproarious laughter subsides]

But Kazuaki-san really burned the midnight oil, whether it was grading tests over the summer or consulting with Dr. Shuu about Matters That Are None Of My Concern. And it’s a good thing he did, otherwise I don’t know how I would’ve gotten out of that file room I accidentally locked myself in that one semester. Kazuaki-san was here for all of us, whether it was as simple as walking a lonely human student home one night or promising he will be at this school forever.

When I was informed that I was to be this year’s valedictorian, I couldn’t believe it; me, a human, the valedictorian of the most splendid academy for the pigeon, by the pigeon! I know we’re all anxious to get to the after-graduation bean feast so I’ll try to wrap this up.

[Holds for shorter, but no less hysterical laughter from audience]

St. PigeoNation’s didn’t just help me on the road to higher education, it showed me that life is a rich tapestry, one with shadowy conspiracies and unspeakable, horrifying truths. But also good friends! If I had to give advice to the birds who will follow in our example, I would say be open to friendship, do not ask too many questions and remember that love is a series of beautiful possibilities. As a good friend of mine once said “CARVE IT INTO YOUR SOUL, KID!”

Guest Column: Futura’s Lovey-Dovey Diary

Printed without the permission of “Ladybird Johnson,” recently expelled transfer student.

 

Dear Diary,

I think I’m in love!

Given that this is my first entry, you may be asking who I am. Well, dear diary of mine, I am the first human student to be admitted to the prestigious St. PigeoNation’s Institute–not so much because I am a particularly meritorious student or anything like that, but possibly only because of my very curious name.

 

Anyways, my first few days at school have been quite a ride and it’s been wonderful being treated like just another avian by my new schoolmates. That said, politeness does nothing to rouse the heart of a 24-year-old boy returning to high school in the guise of one of America’s most ridiculously nicknamed First Ladies (RIP, grrrl). No! I am here to meet those exciting jerks and assholes that every high school fiction seemed to have but that my reality wouldn’t stock. Turns out, I didn’t even need to search that hard. The bird I yearned to meet was already in my homeroom.

French transfer student Sakuya Le Bel Shirogane… and what a beak on him, too! His hot, hawt, haughtiness was everything that certain animes I grew up with had taught me to fall in love with to the detriment of my own character!

But OK, OK, I vow to stay strong and to stay myself in the face of his egotistical plumage, no matter how hard it might be to concentrate in his feathery presence. He might be a somebirdie back home, but here? Here he’s just another pigeon among the flock! Though I guess the more correct collective term would be “among the kit!” Or, according to some sources, “the passel!” Yeah!

Will I be able to survive the trials of cooing a pigeon so far above my station? A bird whose aristocratic prejudices might be the only thing worth remembering about him? Or will I be able to unlock the beautiful birdsong within his heart that is his true passion? Oh, Sakuya!

Missed Coo-nections

Stretch Your Wings

Dear Nageki,

It was a beautiful day today. Could you see from the library? I ran for hours and hours and caught a meal in the overgrown hot springs out in the West part of town. The leaves were casting dappled shadows just like the spots on your wingtips. It was almost like you were there with me.

I wonder what you would look like, with wings outstretched, soaring majestically…like Sakuya does when he’s refusing to run laps. Will you show me someday?

Are they keeping it warm enough in there? I read that mourning doves can’t tolerate cold, yet I’ve never seen you with a single feather puffed… I think I will get you a sweater to make sure you don’t freeze. They had a new one in the school store, and it was a blue-green just right to complement your periopthalmic rings.

I hope you are reading something fun today. You should really give the mystery section another try, they’re my favorite.

Ever yours,
Human Bean

 

Be-Scoot my Beating Heart

My very special somebirdie is named Azami, the only female bird I’ve met so far. I met her during summer break, when she came to my rescue on a cute pink scooter. A tough, take-no-nonsense Java sparrow, Azami is a member of girl biker gang but still obeys the speed limit. Azami’s badass exterior and cool catchphrase (“Carve it into your soul, kid!”) hides the pain of lost love. Can I help her reconnect with her old flame, or will I ride off with Azami into the sunset? No matter what path I decide to choose, she’s one of the coolest birds that I met, and she is a welcome respite from all the high school drama. I’d take a ride on Azami’s scooter any day.

-Kayleigh

In Loving Memory

As many of you have may have heard, this summer we lost a model student and my latest assistant, Kyle. Unfortunately no one can say what happened to him, but I imagine it was his curiosity that did him in Ho Ho Ho! Just a little joke. He loved to laugh. A very interesting boy.

While I would have loved to study him, I am afraid his time just came a little sooner than expected. I will always have a little piece of him, close by as a reminder. It is truly a shame, he had a very good head on his shoulders. Rest in peace, simian friend.

 

This article was a collaboration between Futura Nguyen, Max Robinson, Jen Overstreet, Kayleigh Hearn, and Kyle Herr. Hatoful Boyfriend is a remake of a dating sim of the same name, in which you attend a prestigious school for birds and try to woo whatever special somebirdie that you fancy. You can buy it now on Steam for $10 and get started on your journey to find true love!