Fox’s “Batman-without-Batman” soap opera is the most amazingly weird show on television. For every episode this season, Deadshirt’s own Sarah Register, Kayleigh Hearn and Max Robinson discuss the good, the bad…the beginning? of little Bruce Wayne, skinny Oswald Cobblepot, and Jim Gordon sans ‘stache as they try to find their way in the misery-soaked, work-a-day world of…GOTHAM.
Jailbreaks! Clone fights! Michael Chiklis yellin’ about justice! This week’s Gotham was off the chain until it was not off the chain.
HI, THE COURT OF OWLS HAS THE PENGUIN TRAPPED IN A GIANT BIRD CAGE
Max: Say what you will, but the Court sure commits to an aesthetic.
Sarah: It was nice of them to give him one of those water bottles with the metal ball in the spout.
Kayleigh: Cheep cheep, motherfuckers.
DO NOT LIE TO ALFRED, CLONE BRUCE
Max: Oh my god Alfred beating the shit out of Bruce’s Court of Owls clone. Alfred beating an actual child.
Sarah: He was doing fine until he got into a head-butting contest with a lab project who can’t feel pain.
Kayleigh: Points to Selina’s Red Leather Jacket of Vengeance. You know a good episode of Gotham is nigh when it opens with a Catwoman vs. Clone knife fight.
HARVEY WISHES HE WAS DRINKING
Max: Donal Logue complaining that the Court of Owls safehouse isn’t a strip club and accidentally opening a hidden compartment is hilarious. PLUS THE RETURN OF THE CRYSTAL OWL.
Sarah: 99% of the time Harvey is a good detective, it’s an accident.
Kayleigh: Next season Harvey finds the Ark of the Covenant after belching too hard.
LEE THOMPKINS SINISTER DREAM TIME
Max: Gotham on that Twin Peaks shit, Morena Baccarin all drinking her fiance’s blood in a dream.
Sarah: I was not prepared for the wrist-slitting thing, which is sort of a fear of mine, and also I was eating dinner. C’MON, GOTHAM.
Kayleigh: Even in dreams, Mario sucks.
WHAT THE HELL DID ALFRED CALL SELINA’S MOM?
Max: Sean Pertwee called Selina’s duplicitous mom a …”wonky call eyes(?)” in an especially British piece of Alfred dialogue. And then he called a teenage girl a disgrace. This episode is too much.
Sarah: Alfred’s dig at Selina is more or less a guarantee that she’s saving his ass from the Court in the finale, because most adult men in this show are saved by her at one point.
Kayleigh: It’s still pretty unpleasant that 90% of Alfred’s interactions with Selina are him verbally–and physically!–attacking her.
WHEN THE FORMER OBJECT OF YOUR LUST THROWS A POISON DART AT YOU
Max: The Oswald/Nygma prison shtick here is basically Looney Tunes violence.
Sarah: Oswald blissfully passing out while watching Ed get thrashed was a nice touch.
Kayleigh: It’s the little things that make being imprisoned in a cult’s cage basement next to your mortal enemy/crush worthwhile.
IT’S TIME TO BEAT YOU OUT OF THE COURT OF OWLS, JIM GORDON
Max: Gotham is a Batman show, so you better believe we’re getting a supervillain holding a mock-trial for our hero. This is Mr. Barnes’ Scythe-Hand Court!
Kayleigh: Cillian Murphy was cuter.
Sarah: And this is a pretty standard day for Jim.
Max: *raspy Jim Gordon voice* “YOU CAN GO TO HELLLLLL”
EDGELORD MAD HATTER HERE TO GROWL AT A WOMAN
Sarah: Jervis is the most despicable, un-fun villain in the show, let’s keep him in the basement.
Max: Lee Thompkins please run away from all of this, there’s still time.
Kayleigh: Please let this season end with someone going Queen of Hearts on Mad Hatter’s sorry head.
THE BOYS ARE BACK (THE BOYS ARE BACK)
Max: Oh, hell yeah, Riddler/Penguin prison escape team up.
Sarah: Ed and Oswald seem giddy at their new pact to kill each other…later.
Kayleigh: *The Great Escape theme intensifies*
DAVENGEANCE_LOVER27 HAS LOGGED ON
Max: I love how Barnes/The Judge’s mecha-arm shoulder pad has the Gotham City skyline etched on it. What a fascinating throwaway detail.
Sarah: It’s exactly the kind of overly lavish weapon the Court would have just lying around.
Kayleigh: The Pris-from-Blade Runner raccoon makeup was a nice touch.
Max: “What if The Winter Soldier was an angry egg?”
ALFRED AND THE POLICE ARE CONVENING TO EXPLAIN THE PLOT
Max: Bullock “you had one job”-ing Alfred for losing Bruce killed me.
Sarah: Unlike Alfred, Bullock wouldn’t be fooled by a clone. Except that one time with clay-Jim.
Max: Alfred puts like 20 extra vowels on the word “owl”. “WHERE’S YER BLOODY OWERLLL?”
Kayleigh: Alfred’s British-ness increases tenfold whenever Bruce is in danger. He’s more kipper than man, now.
Sarah: Oh good, more vein-slitting. Even faux, I still can’t deal.
Max: This is delightful. Nygma and Oswald are truly the Ross and Rachel of Gotham.
Kayleigh: The couple that flays together, stays together!
ALFRED JUST STABBED A WOMAN IN THE HAND AND ROBO-BARNES BLEW UP THE PRECINCT AND THEN LIKE FIVE MORE THINGS HAPPENED
Sarah: We’re just going to let a civilian stab a woman while yelling “I’M A BUTLER,” because, per Jim, it’s “his play.”
Max: This episode is AMAZING. Alfred will do anything to get his boy back, up to and including torturing an old woman.
Max: R.I.P. CATHERINE, SHOULDA LISTENED TO WU-TANG AND PROTECTED YA NECK.
OH NO BRUCE IS AN OBJECTIVIST NOW
Max: Still can’t believe Raylan Givens’ dad is grooming Bruce to be a remorseless Talon assassin.
Sarah: So Bruce is Spock again, and I’m sure that won’t get annoying.
Kayleigh: So why the hell is a fourteen-year-old the linchpin of the Court of Owls’ plan to destroy and rebuild Gotham City, again?
OKAY WELL I GUESS LEE THOMPKINS IS JUST EVIL THEN
Max: God damn it, Gotham, this was a good episode, why are we doing this???
Sarah: Gotham, it’s time.
Kayleigh: And with that, the season-long character assassination of Lee Thompkins is complete.
Gotham airs Monday at 8 p.m. Eastern on FOX.